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Berniecuddles2

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Berniecuddles2
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent £5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said...
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Berniecuddles2
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity....
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Berniecuddles2
Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest. He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house." "Well," she...
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Berniecuddles2
I have a phobia of French pastry chefs. They give me the crepes.
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Berniecuddles2
I've just been offered a job as an adult movie director! I told them where to shove it....
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Berniecuddles2
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the...
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Berniecuddles2
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, now you...
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Berniecuddles2
The wife said she wanted to go & see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday. So I got her sister pregnant! We're on next Wednesday!...
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Berniecuddles2
An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume. The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Romance by Ralph Lauren £150.00 an...
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Berniecuddles2
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well."...
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Berniecuddles2
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the...
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Berniecuddles2
I went for a curry the other day and got some terrible news. My naan had slipped into a korma. My bum was sore after a curry. The wife said "ringsting" I said 'why?, what will he know about it?" i Was...
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Berniecuddles2
A penguin is driving along the coast when his car breaks down. He takes it to a garage and the mechanic says he'll look at it in about half an hour. As he's at the seaside the penguin decides to go...
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Berniecuddles2
I've just been to the doctors and have been diagnosed with Sausagephobia. I fear the Wurst....
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Berniecuddles2
Scared the postman today by going to the door naked I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived...
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Berniecuddles2
Paddy and Murphy are at the airport queueing at the check-in at the beginning of their holiday. "I wish I had bought the TV with me"says paddy "Why's that said Murphy" "Because the feckin tickets are...
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Berniecuddles2
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord....
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Berniecuddles2
I went to a Dunelm store for some new pillows.the assistant in the shop said " Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines"...
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Berniecuddles2
I'm sitting in a packed noisy pub having a few beers.. in walks a referee. I reckon it'll kick off soon!...
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Berniecuddles2
Why does a squirrel swim on it's back? To keep his nuts dry....

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