Mrs May Has Asked The E/u For An...
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As I lay in bed last night, gazing at the moon and stars, I suddenly thought, "Where's the frigging roof?!".......
A young man I met, sent me a text, saying , "I think your great" I replied, "No, I think you're great". He's in love with me now, and I don't have the heart to tell him, I was only correcting his...
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid, "it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.”
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"...
Eat alphabet soup and have a vowel movement
Eat more doughnuts, it’s the original hole food
1st restaurant opens on the moon – great food but no atmosphere...
I ordered an eight inch Cheese and Tomato Pizza from Dominos. I was shocked when it arrived as it was delivered by two midget monks. I phoned Dominos up and said, “What are you doing, having my...
I used to have a vast collection of vintage tractors, all lovingly restored to their former glory. I just run out of space, in the end and the novelty wore off. S'pose you could say, I'm an extractor...
My partner is always driving me round the bend. One day he will learn how to use roundabouts properly. I just drank some wkd with ice in it. It was wicked. I’ve recently been buying loads of...
the inventor of the anagram has died...may he "erect a penis."...
What do you call batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale...
A milk jug says to a sugar bowl “Hey, shall we see which one of us can hold the most coffee?”
The sugar bowl says “No way mate, that’s a mug’s game.”...
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they...
I blasted my horn at a man, when I saw him removing fence panels from the motorway today.
He looked at me with anger in his eyes.
So I shouted "no need to take offence" !...
My overweight partner has started getting a bit of pride in himself lately.
Well, he has started eating lion bars....
For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife (Made To Scale)...
Her: *holding handbag* it's not my style per se, but-
Me (very smart): I believe it's pronounced purse...
I hate bigotry.
Doesn't this make me a bigot ;-D...
Ne'er cast a clout 'til May is out.
That won't be long now....
My boss called me into his office to see how my first day was going. He asked, “How are you finding your role?” I said, “If I am honest, it could do with a little more mayo.” My friend asked...
Man buys a Kangaroo. Once Ho e it just sits there, eats a bit, drinks a bit, poos a bit but never moves. Takes it to the vet, who examines it, and writes out a prescription. "What are these?" asks the...
A city gent was driving through the countryside when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. “Afraid...
