News1 min ago
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed about 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."...
Two goats wandered into the scrapyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over. “So, did you enjoy the...
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of spectacles that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?" "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my...
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'. So I did and I can...
It's my daughters prom night this week. I've Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver... Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to...
"Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for anorexics?" (to a blind woman outside Exeter Cathedral, 2002)....
With his wife out for the evening, a father was trying to watch TV, but his young son kept coming in and asking for a glass of water. After the seventh glass, the father lost his temper and yelled:...
After months of lockdown, I noticed the local fishmonger had opened once again, and it was business as usual. The fishmonger saw me eyeing up the wet fish in his window display, and waved a cheery...
Teacher: "When I was of your age, I learned very quickly and was not as slow as you are."
Student: "Wow, you must have had a better teacher than me then."...
Last night, as I walked home, I saw an ice cream cone, an apple pie and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, the streets are strangely desserted tonight....
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not...
The General Manager of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
Thoughts are that he might have his cabinet together by the end of the week....
Now I'm getting older, I find I only need three shops.
Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.
All I need is specs and drugs and sausage rolls....
Sad News.
I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.
Good News.
I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone....
Judge: "Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court."
Accused man: "Hahahaha."
Judge: "I wasn't talking to you!"...
A friend and I went to a party, dressed as elves bet they wouldn't let us in.
"Why have we been refused admission" I demanded!.
The bouncer said "for a start, you don't look a bit like Elvis"...
My wife left me while I was painting the ceiling, I was overcome with emulsion....
McQuillan walked into a Dublin bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the...
For my wife's birthday this year I got her some new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count....
A frustrated father told his work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a colour TV, computer, game console, mobile...
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