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Jokes

Looking for a laugh? There are plenty of funny jokes being told on The AnswerBank, so sit back, relax and have a read.

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marval
I accidently put my phone in the fridge yesterday. Been getting cold calls ever since. A German bloke has opened a barbers at the end of our street. Herr Kutt. I tried and failed at making a suitcase...
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Chipchopper
She said, "what seems to be the problem ?" I explained "I've broken my neck in two places". She replied "well, stop going to those places"...
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Patsy33
Last summer, I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation. The hose ban hit us hard...
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Spicerack
Our amateur dramatic society has cancelled its latest production because of a mystery electrical failure. We are powerless to act.
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Patsy33
At my wife's labour, the nurse came up to me and my wife and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."...
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Canary42
One of the more annoying consequences of the repeated postponement of Brexit is that much of my stock-piled provisions are reaching their sell-by date, so will have to be replenished....
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marval
St Paul's church in our local town built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news...
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Patsy33
People walked out of the Spice Girls concert last night because of dreadful sound problems. A sound engineer has been sacked for causing the issues. He turned the Mic's on....
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-SharonA-
A prisoner serving 12 years in prison managed to escape. He finally arrived at his home, exhausted & tired. His wife said to him, "It said on the news you escaped at one o'clock. It is now 10pm!!...
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Canary42
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J7mu2QkhW0...
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marval
I was pulled over by the police this morning and the officer said, “I’ve pulled you over for weaving in the car.” I replied, “Yes I know, I have almost finished my first rug.” I recently...
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Patsy33
I had the map of Italy tattooed on my chest. I've got really sore Naples...
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-SharonA-
Paddy's Wife said to him, "Oh sweetheart, what did you do to deserve a woman like me?" Paddy replies "God knows, but I won't be doing it again!"...
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bookbinder
A newspaper has reported that prisoners at a local jail are rioting. They have all been given new laptops, but when they press the 'escape' key, nothing happens.
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spathiphyllum
Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii? Wife: Well... You need two I's Cyclops [Puts down pen]: My life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda!...
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marval
I was reading ‘War and Peace’ in bed last night, when my wife said, “What made you want to read that?” I said, “It’s a long story.” I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home....
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marval
People often ask me whether I enjoy working with seafood. I tell them it is good fun but I am rather accident prawn. I lied to my friends and told them I had created a life-size replica of Jackie Chan...
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cupid04
A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home. As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large...
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cupid04
A family are driving behind an Ann Summer's lorry, and a sex toy falls out of the back on to their windscreen. 'What's that ?' asks their six year old son from the back of the car. 'Er --- just a bee,...
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Canary42
Two praying mantis are discussing other species, when one says, "The humans are an odd lot - if the male of the species tells the female she is 'absolutely stunning', she bites his head off....

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