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Berniecuddles2

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Berniecuddles2
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!.. He kept nudging me!...
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Berniecuddles2
My wife was bending over doing the washing up in the kitchen and I was watching the news of the flood damage to the roads... On reflection probably not the best time to exclaim: "christ, look at the...
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Berniecuddles2
i was up a ladder putting a cinema poster up. Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?" I said "No it’s just the paste off my brush"...
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Berniecuddles2
I said to my son if anyone tries to take your lunch money at school you're to head butt them. I can't believe he got sent sent home early today for breaking the dinner lady's nose!!...
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Berniecuddles2
A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest "I'm pregnant" He asks her "how did this happen my child" She says " I think it must be the second coming" The priest , shocked by this...
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Berniecuddles2
I just bought a cheap thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am....
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Berniecuddles2
Me to Dr: I’ve hurt my penis in a surfing accident Dr: Did you fall off your board Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in...
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Berniecuddles2
Turns out Elton John doesn’t like lettuce much. He’s more of a Rocket man....
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Berniecuddles2
Persuaded my wife to smuggle coke through customs by sticking it up her bum! I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge....
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Berniecuddles2
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
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Berniecuddles2
Me: A nice bunch of flowers for the wife please Florist: Certainly, sir. Are you looking for anything particular? Me:sex hopefully...
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Berniecuddles2
i was Having a massage.... Lady said "Any Extras?" I said "No, get your own chewing gum"...
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Berniecuddles2
A man died today due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle. We believe he had serious selfie steam issues....
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Berniecuddles2
Just got my dream Job I start next Monday as a Window cleaner in Amsterdam
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Berniecuddles2
Don’t you love people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?...
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Berniecuddles2
I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball. I got served straight away....
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Berniecuddles2
After waiting for half an hour in the queue at the chemist,I finally got to the counter and the woman serving said " I'm sorry about your wait" I replied " you ain't exactly skinny are you fatty"!...
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Berniecuddles2
Really cheesed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd poo's on my front lawn. Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog....
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Berniecuddles2
Just had a good night out down the pub with the lads so I jumped in a taxi and said "take me to where I can get sex for a tenner mate" Bit gutted when he took me to my house!...
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Berniecuddles2
Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards!...

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