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Jokes

Looking for a laugh? There are plenty of funny jokes being told on The AnswerBank, so sit back, relax and have a read.

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maggiebee
I was devastated, distraught, distressed, concerned, had a major feeling of unease, when my thesaurus went missing.
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Patsy33
Nobody likes to be alone. A recently divorced friend of my husband's, who's bald, and has a big beer belly, is hoping to get back on the dating scene. I don't fancy her chances....
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marval
A devout Australian cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't...
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queenofmean
An Aussie phones an ambulance because he has been hit by a car. Aussie ‘ Get an Ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think he’s broken his legs. Operator ‘ what is...
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maggiebee
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell holding a large bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, lifts her skirt and rips her knickers off...
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maggiebee
He said there was no spark between us any more so I tasered him! (I’ll ask him again when he wakes up) The man who invented Velcro has died -RIP Don’t let anyone call you average – that’s just...
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DTCwordfan
(I used to live in Belgium and the Flemish asked me to tell this one repeatedly...last time it was in a restaurant and I was wearing each one until the last one - that was in my pocket.) A brilliant...
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Patsy33
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cleanliness. She popped in just now, and I said, "Hi Jean, what's all this about you having washed your hands with me?"...
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marval
I was beaten up by a seven, nine and eleven year old last night. I have decided it is time to get even. They are going to put a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa. That way it will have both the time...
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johnny.5
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box....
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Patsy33
A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging her laundry outside. “That laundry is not very clean,”...
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spathiphyllum
Please can we stop using words like "Policeman" or "Policewoman". Use gender neutral terms like "Tools of the capitalist bourgeoisie and enemy of the people"....
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marval
My wife left me because of my obsession with Morse code. Her name is Dot and she made a dash for it. I drive a steam roller. Most people prefer a petrol or diesel engine, but I wanted my Rolls Royce...
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marval
Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to...
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Patsy33
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need. Not all this 'how did you get in my house' business....
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Canary42
God knows what happens after death.
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Canary42
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish To write with a broken pencil is pointless. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. The...
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Patsy33
When Dracula shops on line, he keeps clicking on the button, "Your Account"...
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BANANASPLITS
Happy birthday to bananasplits...
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Patsy33
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says"I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?" Man,“Sorry i thought it was the start of Eastenders”...

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