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Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?" Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!" Policeman: "How can you be so certain?" Pedestrian: "I'd...
Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business...
Booked a table for me and the missus tomorrow night for Valentines Day. She’s still complaining though, apparently she’s not that keen on snooker. __________ My wife has left me because of my...
Science Face: A dog extracts more information from smelling a pile of excrement than a human does from reading the Daily Mail.
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just...
A beautiful young model is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter room she leaves her behind the...
I never finish anything.
I have a black belt in partial arts....
A young female came to the Emergency Room with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came...
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in Soho. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The...
With the rise of self drive cars, becoming a reality, it's only a matter of time before some country and western guy sings an emotional song about "the Dang car's gone left me too"...
Q. "What is it Doctor. A boy or a girl?"
A. "We are not allowed to assume the gender anymore but it has got a tail."...
Although it was a particularly turbulent flight from John F. Kennedy airoport to Heathrow the aircraft took advantage of the winds travelling in the same direction and after the plane landed the pilot...
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, "Mrs. Grey after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn't...
A little boy walks into a pet store, and asks the keeper, "Hey Mister... Can I get some boyd seed?? The shopkeeper says "Pardon me?", to which the little boy repeats "Hey Mister... Can I please get...
Two business partners, both married men, were taking turns making love to their secretary. As a result, she became pregnant with twins. On the big day, one partner congratulated the other, "She had...
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's licence. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can...
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I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.
I didn't get pulled over or anything...
I just showed up to work 20 minutes early....
The Irish Bobsleigh team at the Winter Olympics are refusing to race until the course has been gritted! ___________ Sick and tired of hearing these winter Olympic athletes say how much work they've...
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