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BANANASPLITS

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BANANASPLITS
I just got a phone call from a charity asking me to donate any of my old clothes to starving people around the world! I told em you must be joking anyone who fits into my clothes ain't starving!!...
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BANANASPLITS
Omg I just got 15 Valentines cards! It’s left me completely breathless... That security guard at Clinton’s gave quite a chase I'm knackered now.!...
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BANANASPLITS
My MIL never stops moaning "£2 for a cup of tea...£1 for a biscuit" I said "look I never asked you to visit us you just turned up"...
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BANANASPLITS
Had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone... I explained that it was a family trait and that...
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BANANASPLITS
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The...
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BANANASPLITS
All this fuss about Liam Neeson. I mean every Friday after a few beers I say I could murder an Indian!!...
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BANANASPLITS
I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on eBay... Haven't had any bids so far but there are 12 people watching!...
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BANANASPLITS
I went to the doctors today and said "Do you treat alcoholics?" He said "Yes, of course we do!" So I said "Any chance of taking me to the pub and buying me a pint then 'cos I'm skint till friday!"...
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BANANASPLITS
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite disaster after bad storm damage. The insurance company said if my tents get blown away I'm not covered!!...
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BANANASPLITS
A blind man went to a restaurant. "Menu sir?" Asked the owner. "I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will smell it & order." The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork...
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BANANASPLITS
Tv licence Man knocked on my door earlier. He said "have you got a tv" I said no ...he said "you must have you have an aerial on your roof. I said "I've got a pint of milk in the fridge but it doesn't...
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BANANASPLITS
This Xmas. My Wife has just left me because of my Obsession with Small Chocolates. This calls for a 'Celebration'....
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A woman on her death bed, called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed... Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What are the eggs for"....? Asks the husband... She replied,...
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BANANASPLITS
A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But, she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she...
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BANANASPLITS
We just played the Christmas edition of cluedo! My wife murdered the xmas dinner in the kitchen by the oven!...
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As i was sitting on deck on a cruise a distinguished gentleman sat next to me and began reading a book after 15 minutes he looked up and asked " have you read marx" I said " yes its my own thought for...
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Best wishes to all ABers have a wonderful day tomorrow and best wishes for a healthy and prosperous 2019 xx
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A lorry carrying a load of snooker equipment has overturned on the M25. Police say the driver is under a rest and there are long cues on the M25!...
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BANANASPLITS
Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how...
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BANANASPLITS
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