I was on holiday in Spain last week. I saw a sign English speaking doctor. I thought, what a good idea. Maybe we should try that in our country. ___ My son came home from school the other day. Very...
An aggressive budgerigar announced “I’m the greatest and hardest budgie in the world”. To challenge this theory, the owner placed the pet into the cages of a series of other birds of increasing size....
My mate and his wife have just named their baby daughter after a flower. She will be called self raising Smith. ___ I was going to post a joke about my aging brown horse. But then I thought, “not that...
When he saw how astronomically high his latest phone bill was, the head of house called a family meeting. “This is unacceptable,” said the father. ”You have to limit the use of the phone. I never use...
No wonder a game of snooker takes so damn long. I’ve just been watching it, and some *** with gloves on, keeps putting the balls back on the table when no one is looking....
My goalkeeper friend takes great pride in his bed. Always likes to keep clean sheets. ___ My mate Walter Wall is opening a carpet shop but can't think of a name for it. ___ How do you repair a damaged...
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many...
Releasing birds at a wedding is so romantic....although it doesn't work quite so well with ostrich's. ___ After a gruelling 2 hour car chase the paparazzi managed to lose Harry and Meg! ___ The doctor...
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear...
"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!" Teacher:...
Just returned from the dentist, who went through all my dental problems with a fine tooth comb. Though it hasn't half made my gums bleed! ___ Just watched a video on the benefits of rowing. It was awe...
An old lady shaking violently on her Zimmer frame struggles into the sex shop she asks the assistant 'Do you sell vibrators young man?' 'Yes' he replied. "In that case," she asks. "Can you tell me how...
I went to my mates wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me, "flip me, that bride is pig ugly!" "Do you mind! That's my daughter you're talking about!" "I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were...
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath...
I asked my boss, "Can I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?" "It's May," he said. I said, "Sorry. May I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?" ___ "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled....
Some mates and myself were talking about how hard it was for those of us born just after the war! My family was very poor. So poor the woman next door had me. The mice used to bring us pieces of...
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. Little Johnny said,...
A Foreign Legionnaire is posted to an outpost in the Falkland Islands, far away from civilisation......and women...... "Err.........what does one do for, um, romance in these parts?" he asked a...
How do you wake up Lady Gaga from a nap? Poker Face. ___ I wrote a play called 'broken bones'......... Now I just need a cast! ___ My mate has a really bad stutter. By the time he told us his nanna...
