I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog ***. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same. I said to him, "I just did that!" So he punched me in the face and called me a...
A Golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the Surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." The Surgeon tells...
My wife was very annoying in bed last night. Tossing and turning then groaning that she couldn't get off to sleep. So I told her to try sleeping on the very edge of the bed.
She soon dropped off....
Three new recruits were being tested looking at a mug shot. The instructor asks the first recruit what he noticed. The recruit responded, "He had only one eye." The instructor reminded the recruit...
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew,...
Pat and Mick were looking in the Jobcentre window at the work available. In the centre was a card which said TREE FELLERS WANTED. Mick said to Pat, "Geez! If only we'd brought Seamus with us, we could...
My co-worker just called me while I was in a meeting. He said he wants to change his name to Spinal Column. I said "I'm busy right now, so I'll call you back". ___ My Sat nav just told me to turn...
Three guys all worked in the same office with the same male boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the guys decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind...
I've just sorted out the cleaning schedule at the zoo. The lion sweeps tonight. ___ Does anyone know where I can get quality small scale Indian musical instruments? A good baby sitar is hard to...
Old fashioned school duplicating machines required the operating handle to be left in a straight down position to prevent ink leaking out whilst not in use. many of these had signs stuck on asking...
I now identify as a can of deodorant. And before you ask... Yes, I'm Sure. ___ A traveling salesman offered me a deal on a coffin. I told him that's the last thing I need. ___ My wife said she saw a...
Me to the postman: "This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte."
Postman: "Now why would she send you an empty envelope?"
Me: "We had an argument, and she's not speaking to me."...
GRANDSON:
Grandma, where did you grow up?
GRANDMA:
A little village called Burton on the Wold.
GRANDSON:
Where did Granddad grow up?
GRANDMA:
He didn't....
After hearing about my mate at works unfair sacking, It brought back memories of when i worked as an maths teacher from the age of 20 to 30. They sacked me for no apparent reason.... It felt like such...
Overheard on my flight today:
Stewardess (to passenger): “Are you OK? You look nervous”
Passenger: “Yes, I’m nervous”
Stewardess: “Your first time?”
Passenger: “No, I’ve been nervous before”...
A young boy announces "Dad, I'm getting married!" "Oh," said his dad, " you're only 4 years old. Do you have a girl in mind?" "Yes", he replied, "Grandma." "Why Grandma?" "Because I love her, and she...
Today my daughter gave my wife a big hug for no reason. Then she turns to me and says, "Your right dad, mum has gained a little weight." Our dog is currently making room for me in his house. ___ So I...
You know you're getting old, when you're at an antiques auction and 3 people bid on you! ___ I have sex with my wife almost everyday... Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday... ___...