I have a friend who entertains her guests by quickly calculating statistical averages. Not exactly the life of the party, but she means well. ___ An investigative journalist should do a lot of... ...
A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "We are on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone... ...
I Just walked into Waterstones and said, "I'd like a book by Shakespeare please ?" "Of course, Sir, which one?" She said. I replied, "William." Not too clever some shop assistants are... ...
Walking home from the pub last night I saw two old age pensioners holding hands. As they walked by I said to the old guy with a smile and a wink: "Have her home by ten now." The elderly man stopped... ...
Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital. On arrival the nurse asks 'how dilated is she'? To which Paddy replies 'Dilated....Oh Jaysus we're both over the moon'! ___
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the... ...
My wife saw a cockroach in the kitchen this morning, I've never seen her work so hard scrubbing everywhere in the kitchen spotlessly clean. Tomorrow, I'm going to put the fake cockroach in the... ...
My friend that has come into money is telling me that he is having his family tree researched. "Yes, and it is quite expensive, it cost £5,000." "Wow", I replied, "that is expensive!" "Yes, but it... ...
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house. ___ Kids, your mother and I are getting divorced. She said she’s leaving me... ...
A teacher asks her class to name things that end with TOR that eat things. The first little boy says: "Alligator" "Very good, that's a big word." The second boy says: "Predator." "Yes that's another... ...
A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery. The other 42% end in divorce. ___ I divorced my cross-eyed wife. We didn’t see eye to eye. ___ Judge: “On what grounds do you want a... ...
Why are some people so nasty and unreasonable .. Shouting and screaming .. "Move your bleeding car you ***" the guy yelled at me .. I just walked off and left him ranting and raving, he was... ...
Gladiator: My name is Maximus Decimus Christophus Meridius commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to-... Barista: I've run out of room on the cup... ...
A guy answers his door one night and a massive cockroach is standing on his doorstep. Without warning, the cockroach attacks... It beats the man up, throws him across his front-room; and then runs... ...