I just took a peek out of the kitchen window, and I saw a magpie prancing around on the lawn with a large chip, lengthways in it beak. I thought to myself, toucan play at this game!
Paddy and a monkey are shot into space both with envelopes to open with instructions inside. The monkey opens his envelope first, It says: Micky check all seals on hatches, make sure the oxygen... ...
My mate is an opera singer and it’s his birthday soon. But, what can you get for a tenor these days? ___ Here's a thought, Why don't we replace Border Force with a GP Receptionist & then lets see who... ...
Years ago A young woman was walking down Tib Street in Manchester looking though the windows of all the petshops. A little hand written notice caught her eye, it simply said ' Cl****is licking... ...
Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints... ...
A flying saucer landed at a petrol station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" emblazoned in big, bold... ...
How long was I at the laryngitis clinic? About three hours, roughly speaking. ___ Got a call from my GP today saying I've tested positive for Monkeypox and could I swing by the surgery. ___ Chatting... ...
I used to date a girl with a wooden leg, But I had to Break it off. ___ I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines. I've got back issues. ___ Just received an email on how to read maps backwards.Its... ...
I was in the supermarket yesterday and as I was leaving, spotted a rather handsome looking assistant. "Do you carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked him. "Yes, madam" he replied... ...
A man made an appointment with his doctor after he kept seeing cream cakes floating about in the corners of his eyes. Dr said not to worry its just your profiterole vision.
I went down to the library the other day, and I asked the lady behind the desk, "have you got any books on self-help?" She just looked at me over the top of her glasses and said, "well I could do,... ...
An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone to his own mobile phone and took it with him to play golf. The boss called and asked how everything was... ...
I was in a burger joint enjoying my meal, when suddenly out of the blue, some maniac strolled in and squirted tomato ketchup in my eyes. With the benefit of heinzite, I would have sat somewhere else๐
My wife and i often laugh about how competitive we are I laugh louder though. ___ Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging... ...
I've got a friend who can only count up to three, but he still got a job. He puts the crisps into Walkers crisp packets. ___ A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest,... ...
I asked my grandma how she was enjoying her new stair lift. she said it was driving her up the wall. ___ I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop later. Their fielders and bowlers... ...
A couple, Dave and Mabel, were staying at the Grand Hotel Llandudno -- fourth floor. Dave calls the Hotel Manager "Come up quick. we've been arguing and Mabel wants to throw herself out of the... ...
1st guy " I call my wife strwberry ". 2nd guy " why do you call her that "?. " because she's perfectly formed, gorgeous and is so sweet" 2nd guy " I call my wife blueberry " 1st guy "and why do you... ...