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Did You Hear
Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry? She had a filthy habit.
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Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvellous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning sister,' said the pharmacist. 'What can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please' said the nun.
The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like-there are twelve to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes that should last about a week' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, 'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?
The pharmacist fainted.
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvellous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning sister,' said the pharmacist. 'What can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please' said the nun.
The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like-there are twelve to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes that should last about a week' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, 'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?
The pharmacist fainted.
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth
grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says:
"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes
grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of
relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says:
"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes
grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of
relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
This raggedy-*** old nun was walking home from the
convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has
his way.
Then the man sayeth unto her saying, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home
from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped
me twice, unless you're tired."
convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has
his way.
Then the man sayeth unto her saying, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home
from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped
me twice, unless you're tired."
Mother Superior heard one nun say to another, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.
As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.
As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer and wine section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
"The curlers are on me."
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