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Jokes

Looking for a laugh? There are plenty of funny jokes being told on The AnswerBank, so sit back, relax and have a read.

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spathiphyllum
What's considered classy if you're right but trashy if you're poor? Getting money from the government....
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marval
I tried to become a professional fisherman but I soon realised I would never be able to survive off my net income. I spent last night in a cell. I dreamt I was a spreadsheet. I got off the phone to my...
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maggiebee
Demons are a ghoul's best friend
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maggiebee
I went to a séance today. I sat on my own in a tent with only a small table and a crystal ball. Soon, a woman dressed as a gypsy came in and sat down opposite me. She clasped her hands round the...
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Patsy33
A big thank you to my neighbour, for allowing me to borrow a big plastic covering sheet. Ta Pauline....
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sunny-dave
As a kid I used to enjoy dipping ginger nuts into a steaming hot cup of tea. Of course you can't get away with that nowadays - that's called bullying ......
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maggiebee
Must be read out in a real Dundee accent! Translations available on request. Dundee Sheriff Court QC: Tell the court why you went to see your brother-in-law Defendant: Fur a tap Judge: Your...
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marval
I took my partner to a restaurant. We ordered our food and had to wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him “Are you the waiter...
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cupid04
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange and he's wearing feather earrings. When he sees the old man staring, the punk rocker...
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marval
I was fed up of getting leaflets advertising all the local business special offers posted through my door. So I put a ” NO FLYERS” sign up. On my doorstep this morning I found two penguins, three...
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Hymie
Living in London during the Second World War, my father never bothered using the air-raid shelter – he said that if a bomb had your name on it, there was nothing you could do about it. This greatly...
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Patsy33
You can tell a lot from a woman's actions. If she has her hands tightly around your neck, she's probably slightly angry :-)
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Patsy33
I’m not saying the queues at A&E were bad...but there was a guy in there with a particularly nasty musket wound......
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maggiebee
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals I M LIVID...
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marval
After receiving a very persuasive e-mail, I have started on the African Prince diet. I have lost 1,000 pounds already. I was asked to man the phones at work the other day. So I went round and drew a...
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marval
I went to a expensive restaurant last night and when I complained about the food the manager said. “Our food has the top Michelin rating.” I replied, “Well that explains why the steak was as...
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maggiebee
Life and beer are very similar Chill for best results...
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Patsy33
Went to the cinema today. I bought popcorn, lemonade and sweets. I said to lady serving, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note". She said, "That's ok, put the sweets back"...
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marval
An X-ray specialist married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her. I went on a cookery show yesterday. They said, “You’ve got thirty minutes to rustle something up” So I...
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maggiebee
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!

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