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Jokes

Looking for a laugh? There are plenty of funny jokes being told on The AnswerBank, so sit back, relax and have a read.

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maggiebee
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners but catscan Turning vegan would be a big missed steak Well, to be Frank I’d have to change my name Our mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas Life is...
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Patsy33
My wife is leaving me. She said she's fed up with my obsession with food. I pleaded with her, "Oh lamb chop, don't be like that, you silly sausage! Don't you think this is a trifle over the top?"...
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marval
Did you hear about the vegetarian cannibal? He only eats Swedes. The man who owns Specsavers must be a very busy person, He has got loads of Contacts. My friend and I were arguing about the vertebral...
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Patsy33
Just listened to Fridge Over Troubled Water. Cool song!...
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marval
It was my first day working as a pilot today. I got off to a flier. I don’t fancy the new gastro pub that’s just opened near us. I think the name, “Entiritis” is putting me off. I once got...
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bhg481
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/4zPVvmSPfsPMV3TjkHg16sD/50-hilarious-cuttings-from-the-news-quiz...
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Patsy33
Murphy says to Paddy, " Why are you talking into that envelope?" Paddy replies, "I'm sending a voice message"...
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retrocop
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor...
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retrocop
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes...
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marval
I have recently hired a pair of etiquette consultants. They complement each other nicely. “Do you accept cards as payment?” I asked the lad in the takeaway. “Of course, Sir”, he replied,...
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Patsy33
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open"....
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Chipchopper
I've made up my mind to start eating more healthily this year. My first step will be to eat all the junk food from the from the fridge and the freezer, so its not there to tempt me any more...
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Khandro
An Australian friend writes, 'Stick you knife hard in the thigh of your surfing companion and swim briskly towards the beach!.
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Patsy33
Just got a job at a guillotine factory. I'll beheading there shortly...
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retrocop
I have just been diagnosed with Gammon Flu. It started off as Swine Fever but they cured me....
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spathiphyllum
If anyone gets an email from me regarding tinned meat, please don't open it, it's spam....
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albaqwerty
Dogs can't operate an MRI scanner, but catscan Turning vegan would be a missed steak...
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sunny-dave
... did Ian Paisley refuse to have dusty little bowls of dried flowers in his house? NO POPERY !!!...
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spathiphyllum
Man walks into a shop: Can i have a plastic bag please? Shop keeper: It’s in the fish.. sir....
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Bazile
Have you ever wondered why the Arabs have got all the oil and the Irish all the potatoes ? Cos the Irish had first choice Shall i get ma coat ?...

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