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Voltage

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Voltage

I Took My Daughter To The Zoo.....

I took my daughter to the zoo & she saw two monkeys having sex. "What are the monkeys doing" she asked. "The male monkey is stopping the female from feeling lonely" I said. "Uncle Dave's really nice...
16:35 Mon 30th Jul 20184 answers, last by DTCwordfan 19:19 Tue 31st Jul 2018
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After A Shower...!

I was admiring my naked body in the mirror after a shower , i said to the wife, "Look at that, fourteen stone of pure dynamite!" The wife said , " lol shame about the two inch fuse!" Women tch!!...
08:09 Mon 30th Jul 201813 answers, last by Hopkirk 11:00 Mon 30th Jul 2018
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The Wife....!

The wife shouted at me "can I have a bit of peace an quiet while I'm cooking the dinner" So I took the battery out of the smoke detector. ..!...
00:11 Mon 30th Jul 20184 answers, last by Voltage 17:07 Mon 30th Jul 2018
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My Chinese Neighbour....

My Chinese neighbour suspects his wife's been cheating on him, as his newborn son has pale skin, blonde hair, and big, round, blue eyes. "If there's one thing I know," he confided in me, "two Wongs...
18:32 Sat 28th Jul 20183 answers, last by Patsy33 19:38 Sat 28th Jul 2018
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My Grandad..!

My grandad warned people that the Titanic would sink. No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the cinema....
14:26 Sat 28th Jul 20185 answers, last by marval 18:53 Sat 28th Jul 2018
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At The Strip Club..!

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club...
13:30 Sat 28th Jul 20181 answer, last by Patsy33 14:25 Sat 28th Jul 2018
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Travel Insurance!

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance. It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered....
17:21 Fri 27th Jul 20189 answers, last by Baldric 12:40 Sat 25th Aug 2018
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A Baby!

A baby can drink a bottle then goes to sleep and is called cute! Huh ...I do it and get called an alcoholic.....!...
16:09 Fri 27th Jul 20184 answers, last by Patsy33 19:17 Fri 27th Jul 2018
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Daughters Birthday!

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday. "I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled. Christ knows where i'm going to get some LSD from...
14:05 Fri 27th Jul 20185 answers, last by marval 15:20 Fri 27th Jul 2018
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Car Accident!

I got involved In a car accident earlier. .I knocked down a fortune teller ...she didn't see that coming!!
23:30 Thu 26th Jul 201813 answers, last by apollo45 18:03 Sat 19th Jan 2019
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An Englishman And An Irish Man!

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.  The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.  He says to the Irishman  'That took great skill and guile to steal those...
20:51 Thu 26th Jul 20189 answers, last by Voltage 23:25 Thu 26th Jul 2018
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I Bought A Book!

I bought a book on addictions yesterday. I've read it 20 times already....
16:07 Thu 26th Jul 201815 answers, last by Theland 15:17 Fri 27th Jul 2018
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Have You Any Funny Sayings That Make You Laugh?

I shall start with .....Don't be ashamed if you fart while urinating, there is no rain without thunder
11:50 Thu 26th Jul 201817 answers, last by Voltage 20:34 Thu 26th Jul 2018
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Sting Has Been Kidnapped!

Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven't got a lead....
16:53 Wed 25th Jul 20188 answers, last by Zacs-Master 17:21 Wed 25th Jul 2018
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Dodgy!!

I had a dodgy dwarf do a bit of casual building work for me. He asked to be paid under the table....
15:23 Wed 25th Jul 20185 answers, last by Voltage 16:45 Wed 25th Jul 2018
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Ikea Job Interview!

I went for an interview at IKEA. The manager greeted me by saying "come in, make a seat."...
14:59 Tue 24th Jul 201810 answers, last by Hopkirk 17:55 Tue 24th Jul 2018
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After My Accident..!

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her boobs!...
09:05 Tue 24th Jul 20186 answers, last by Voltage 14:37 Tue 24th Jul 2018
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My Best Mate!

I just got back from my best mates funeral, He was killed by a tennis ball. It was a cracking service....
19:57 Mon 23rd Jul 201810 answers, last by Shaglene 13:00 Tue 24th Jul 2018
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Body Snatching!

My mate just came fourth in a Body-Snatching contest. I told him "It's not the winning, it's the taking parts that counts."...
13:05 Mon 23rd Jul 20187 answers, last by Shaglene 19:34 Mon 23rd Jul 2018
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Fancy Dress!

My missus told me she'd got an invite to a fancy dress party. "Oh, that explains the latex rubber sumo wrestler suit you're trying on" I said She replied "What bloody latex rubber sumo suit? I'm naked...
00:29 Mon 23rd Jul 20184 answers, last by Shaglene 19:37 Mon 23rd Jul 2018

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