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Seafood

People often ask me whether I enjoy working with seafood. I tell them it is good fun but I am rather accident prawn. I lied to my friends and told them I had created a life-size replica of Jackie Chan...
18:29 Tue 11th Jun 20193 answers, last by Patsy33 20:14 Tue 11th Jun 2019
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Half Deaf

A man walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor sits him down. “OK what is your problem sir?” “I am half deaf” he replied “That’s ridiculous! You can’t be half deaf!There is no such...
23:16 Mon 10th Jun 20193 answers, last by Canary42 23:26 Mon 10th Jun 2019
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A Conversation

I was having a conversation with the window cleaner today when my partner said, “It is not normal to talk to a bottle of cillit bang.” I am being sued over copyright issues after the naming of my...
22:00 Sun 09th Jun 20193 answers, last by jno 00:09 Mon 10th Jun 2019
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Bbc News

BBC News: Internet Explorer users have a lower IQ says a study by Google Chrome. A guy came up to me the other day and said I ought to stop making so many cutlery-based puns. I told him to fork off. I...
22:10 Fri 07th Jun 20195 answers, last by Patsy33 11:30 Sat 08th Jun 2019
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I Tried

I tried to become a professional fisherman but I soon realised I would never be able to survive off my net income. I spent last night in a cell. I dreamt I was a spreadsheet. I got off the phone to my...
18:37 Mon 03rd Jun 20192 answers, last by Arksided 20:25 Mon 03rd Jun 2019
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Great Canal Journeys: Asian Odyssey

This great programme is back, it is on next Sunday at 8pm. Channel four as usual, it seems that it will be their last. I have really enjoyed all the ones Tim and Pru have done....
23:36 Sun 02nd Jun 201915 answers, last by hc4361 08:07 Tue 04th Jun 2019
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Expecting

I took my partner to a restaurant. We ordered our food and had to wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him “Are you the waiter...
14:54 Sun 02nd Jun 20192 answers, last by Patsy33 16:40 Sun 02nd Jun 2019
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Fed Up

I was fed up of getting leaflets advertising all the local business special offers posted through my door. So I put a ” NO FLYERS” sign up. On my doorstep this morning I found two penguins, three...
19:44 Sat 01st Jun 20193 answers, last by 1ozzy 00:08 Sun 02nd Jun 2019
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I Have Lost

After receiving a very persuasive e-mail, I have started on the African Prince diet. I have lost 1,000 pounds already. I was asked to man the phones at work the other day. So I went round and drew a...
15:32 Fri 31st May 20192 answers, last by maggiebee 15:45 Fri 31st May 2019
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Expensive

I went to a expensive restaurant last night and when I complained about the food the manager said. “Our food has the top Michelin rating.” I replied, “Well that explains why the steak was as...
13:54 Fri 31st May 201920 answers, last by tonyav 00:23 Sat 01st Jun 2019
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X-Ray

An X-ray specialist married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her. I went on a cookery show yesterday. They said, “You’ve got thirty minutes to rustle something up” So I...
19:05 Thu 30th May 20191 answer, last by jno 19:09 Thu 30th May 2019
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I Used To

I used to have an unusually strong appreciation for wordplay, but that was once a pun a time. An Indian man has taken to running round my hometown recently, fighting crime and jumping from building to...
21:41 Wed 29th May 20192 answers, last by maggiebee 12:29 Fri 31st May 2019
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Where

I went into B&Q and asked a member of staff, “Where can I find some hammers, nails, a bag of cement, and a trowel?” “They are all under ‘Construction’,” she answered. “Oh, well where...
16:00 Tue 28th May 20193 answers, last by Bazile 16:23 Tue 28th May 2019
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Antique Shop

I am still working in an antique shop. There is nothing new there. I have been out of work for six months. Does anyone know a good locksmith? I was steering my boat the other day with my stomach...
17:16 Mon 27th May 20191 answer, last by Patsy33 20:43 Mon 27th May 2019
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Sky Diving

My friend and I were arguing on a sky diving plane the other day, anyway I fell out with him. My friend recently had a nasty accident with a lawnmower. They had to do a com-post mortem. My partner and...
18:39 Sun 26th May 20191 answer, last by Patsy33 19:34 Sun 26th May 2019
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Apple

Apple are working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy. It is called the iEye Captain....
17:19 Sun 26th May 20196 answers, last by Patsy33 17:39 Sun 26th May 2019
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Quasimodo

Quasimodo retired last week. He got two years back pay and a lump sum....
15:03 Sun 26th May 20191 answer, last by Patsy33 15:06 Sun 26th May 2019
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Irish Parachute

The Irish have just created a new parachute. It opens on impact. I just stole 1p off of a pirate. He became irate. I am worried about my budgie at home, while I have been away he hasn’t tweeted...
20:44 Sat 25th May 20193 answers, last by Patsy33 10:12 Sun 26th May 2019
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Studying Hieroglyphics

I have been studying hieroglyphics for a long time. I have come to the conclusion that it is rather difficult to spell. I have just spent two hours watching a D.V.D. I really need to get a D.V.D...
19:05 Thu 23rd May 2019
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A Little Boy

A little boy walks into his kitchen and says, “Dad, there’s a man knocking on the door with a beard.” His dad replies, “Oh, no wonder I didn’t hear him!” I was told to use as many key...
17:31 Wed 22nd May 20193 answers, last by Patsy33 11:58 Thu 23rd May 2019

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