to do or not to?

[jan01]

My mother has alzimers.. advanced stages.. we have been estranged for a number of years.... she apparantly is in late stages & is refusing food ect .....should I visit her whilst in this state or pay final respects at her funeral ... it sounds soooo cold hearted but if only you knew the dreadful history...... ...

[Prudie]

Sadly she won't probably know who you are anyway. I've seen this kind of question asked on here before and there are 2 schools of thought - some who won't forgive so wouldn't go and some who think they should so they don't feel guilt at a later stage. Only you can decide. I'm sorry it must be a painful situation.

[tonyav]

I think you are in two minds about it aren't you jan, but I think only you alone can make this decision.

[Bluestone]

As Tony says, you're the only one who can decide what to do.
However, if it were me in this dreadful situation, I would go.
I just think that guilt will eat you up, if you don't. Maybe not immediately, but at a later stage in your life.

[sherrardk]

I am estranged from my biological father, as it currently stands if I found out he was dying I would neither visit him or attend his funeral. Every situation is different and you need to do what makes YOU feel most comfortable.

[B00]

Why do either if you don't want to?

As harsh as it sounds, just because shes dieing it doesn't mean you HAVE to see her.

[owdhamer]

Last respects could save more misery.

[friedgreentomato]

Only you can make this decision, my mother passed away whilst we were estranged, do I regret not being there? No!

[nungate]

I haven't had a good relationship with my mother either Jan - at times it has felt poisonous. But she also has dementia and I do a lot for her these days (as usual) and we do still have our "moments". If, however, I was in a similar position, I would visit purely as a salve to my conscience and nothing else. You must do whatever what you feel to be the best thing for you.

[tonyav]

As you can see jan there are two very different views to it on here already.

[grasscarp]

I would go while you can. I have history of something similar in my own life and do not regret seeing the person rather than their coffin.

[woofgang]

jan, have a good think, not about what you feel you should do but what will make you feel ok. No one has the right to judge or advise. Whatever you decide you have my prayers for your situation.

[Maydup]

^^^ What Boo says.

Her medical condition or in fact her death, will not change your relationship will it? You chose and others will disagree with me but I see little point i going to see her now or to attend her funeral.

[DaisyNonna]

Went to visit my husband in hospital, many miles away. Knew he was dying, estranged for 16 years. Needed to say that last goodbye. He did not recognise me, I had difficulty recognising him but we had a life together in the past and I was able to come to terms with the situation.
You do not have to visit or go to the funeral.
Only you can decide.
Best wishes whatever your decision. It is painful.

[plowter]

DaisyNonna is right. No easy answers.

I say visit her. Say your goodbyes while she's still alive.

[Bluestone]

Can I take back what I said? By that, I just mean that having read other people's comments, I think it may be best to leave this one to people who have had some experience. It's a very difficult subject. I can't imagine what you're going through, or anyone else that has had to deal with this.

[Jeza]

This is your decision. Think long and hard about it, and remember, whatever you decide you're the one who has to live with it. Good luck.

[askyourgran]

Jan only you know how much hurt or anguish you feel about your mother. And the decision is ultimately yours. For myself I would see her for the last time to bring some sort of closure in my heart and mind.

[ttfn]

jan, as I see it you have the choice to make. Your mother probably doesn't. I wish you strength and well for the future. For your mum I wish her a peaceful passing.

[Yorky Lass]

If you are truly estranged why would you be considering "paying your final respects at her funeral" There must be something there still or is it because other people would expect it of you?
If she wasn't in the condition she is in would you be considering visiting her? I think your answer to this is the answer to your own question.