A group of first year children were having their first lesson. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind...
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?" Me:...
A college graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the lad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been...
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny...
Two women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a four men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of...
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another patient asked, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room...
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Four Horse". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old...
"Doctor, you've got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay." "I'm sure we can cure...
Two cockroaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is...
An important murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. One prospective juror, Dan...
As the Plane bound for Turkey was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought,"...
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, you don't understand"...
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a cinema. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you...
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs £500." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the...
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight. He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results....
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since...
O'Malley walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman...
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks....
A new police officer was assigned to ride in a panda car with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to...
Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Aberdeen, my green suitcase sent to Birmingham, and my tan suitcase sent to New York. Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is...
