Tim Vines.

[Patsy33]

'Just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday...... Never again'!

[Baldric]

So I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?"
He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!"

[elliemay1]

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

[Chipchopper]

I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before the hunt and shoot the fox.

[elliemay1]

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: "What does surrender mean?" I said: "I give up!"

[viv41]

Just had a good chuckle at these, especially Baldric's ......

[elliemay1]

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

[marval]

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

[jno]

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

[marval]

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

[Chipchopper]

Jeremy Vine walks into an east London pub and asks:

"Two sugar free lemonades please barman" .

Barman: "what are you, some kind of comedian ?"

Jeremy: "No that's my brother, he'l be along in a minute"

[fadeout73]

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

[fadeout73]

I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust.

[marval]

This bloke said to me, "I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar."
I said: ‘Is that a fret?