Crosswords3 mins ago
Sunny-Dave's Story
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Sunny-Dave was one of 15 children born to a mother who had an obsession with the actor David Niven. Despite protests from her husband, she insisted on giving all 15 children the name David. Her daughters were particularly unhappy about this. To avoid confusion, each child was given a nickname that reflected their personality or looks. At his birth, Sunny-Dave's father put his foot down when his wife took one look at the baby and announced he was to be known as Goblin- Features-Dave. After much heated discussion, they agreed to name him after the weather that day. Sunny-Dave was forever grateful the day had been a still one, without a hint of wind.
When Dave moved to the village of Answerbank Under the Wold he was the subject of much speculation and gossip. He tried to integrate himself into village life, taking on the voluntary role of church organist and trying (and failing) to organise a book reading group. He was a solitary figure who could be seen travelling around on his Honda 50 moped or occasionally out for a stroll with his flowered shopping trolley. He frequently disappeared from the village for several days at a time. The villagers were divided between those who thought he had a harem of women dotted around the country, those who were certain he had a top secret job with the government, and a lone villager who was convinced he was a sleeper for an Islamic terrorist cell. As always, the truth is stranger than fiction. Dave had an obsession with breasts. Not pairs of breasts, just solitary left ones. He did have a harem of strange women dotted around the country, all of whom were willing to give him a glimpse of their left breasts in exchange for a pint or a sandwich. One of his favourite harem members had recently purchased a solitary tassel and he was in seventh heaven when he visited her. He was distraught when his Honda 50 moped was stolen but being inventive, he quickly adapted his mother's 1950's sit up and beg bike by adding a Singer sewing machine engine. As a prudent measure, he prepared a back up mode of transport by adding a hamster in a wheel to an old skateboard.
Dave's very big secret came out when one of the villagers who was out for a stroll was surprised to find Dave's bike parked up against a hedge in the middle of the countryside. Peering over the hedge, the villager was alarmed to see Dave standing in the middle of a field with his arm inserted up to his shoulder in the nether regions of a cow. The villager fled straight back to the local pub and immediately informed all and sundry. When Dave called in for his regular evening glass of Babycham (with a cherry on a stick), the silence in the pub was deafening. That Sunday in church, the vicar's sermon was particularly unusual and made reference several times to "and man shall not lay down with beast" whilst looking Dave straight in the eye. Knowing he had been rumbled, Dave went straight to the pub after church and handed out a business card to each and every customer.
"Wanted, women who are willing to bare their left breast to connoisseur" read one villager. Dave hastily snatched the card back and replaced it with another.
"Sunny-Dave, Licensed Government Artificial Inseminator" said another villager. A collective "Ahhh" went around the room, and with a smug grin, Dave ordered a sweet sherry for himself.
When Dave moved to the village of Answerbank Under the Wold he was the subject of much speculation and gossip. He tried to integrate himself into village life, taking on the voluntary role of church organist and trying (and failing) to organise a book reading group. He was a solitary figure who could be seen travelling around on his Honda 50 moped or occasionally out for a stroll with his flowered shopping trolley. He frequently disappeared from the village for several days at a time. The villagers were divided between those who thought he had a harem of women dotted around the country, those who were certain he had a top secret job with the government, and a lone villager who was convinced he was a sleeper for an Islamic terrorist cell. As always, the truth is stranger than fiction. Dave had an obsession with breasts. Not pairs of breasts, just solitary left ones. He did have a harem of strange women dotted around the country, all of whom were willing to give him a glimpse of their left breasts in exchange for a pint or a sandwich. One of his favourite harem members had recently purchased a solitary tassel and he was in seventh heaven when he visited her. He was distraught when his Honda 50 moped was stolen but being inventive, he quickly adapted his mother's 1950's sit up and beg bike by adding a Singer sewing machine engine. As a prudent measure, he prepared a back up mode of transport by adding a hamster in a wheel to an old skateboard.
Dave's very big secret came out when one of the villagers who was out for a stroll was surprised to find Dave's bike parked up against a hedge in the middle of the countryside. Peering over the hedge, the villager was alarmed to see Dave standing in the middle of a field with his arm inserted up to his shoulder in the nether regions of a cow. The villager fled straight back to the local pub and immediately informed all and sundry. When Dave called in for his regular evening glass of Babycham (with a cherry on a stick), the silence in the pub was deafening. That Sunday in church, the vicar's sermon was particularly unusual and made reference several times to "and man shall not lay down with beast" whilst looking Dave straight in the eye. Knowing he had been rumbled, Dave went straight to the pub after church and handed out a business card to each and every customer.
"Wanted, women who are willing to bare their left breast to connoisseur" read one villager. Dave hastily snatched the card back and replaced it with another.
"Sunny-Dave, Licensed Government Artificial Inseminator" said another villager. A collective "Ahhh" went around the room, and with a smug grin, Dave ordered a sweet sherry for himself.
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