Crosswords3 mins ago
favourite joke's
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come on ABers,i am doing a poll on the AB's favourite jokes!!
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patient to dentist "what do you recommend for yellow teeth"--"a brown tie "
man goes to doctor with a frog on his nose and the doctor asks " how long has it been like that" the frog replies "it started as a wart on my arse"
asked wife what she wanted for her birthday she said "give me 10" with a rubber on it" so i got her a pencil
68 year old Fez, the head chef in a seafood restaurant has been given his ultimate nightmare order... Somebody at table 16 want's his old buddy 'Greeny' for their main course!
'Greeny'.. Is an old, wrinkled squid that lives in the display tank and has done for... Well longer than anyone can remember. In fact, he's so old that he's grown a small moustache and turned a little green. He's cared for and loved by Fez.. His old pal.
The staff allways knew this day would come and (reluctantly) take 'Greeny' to the kitchen but Fez can't do the 'deed'.
"you big softy!" Shouts Hans. The (fairly new) dishwasher... "Give him to me. I'll do it!" But after seeing Fez's tears decides that maybe he can't 'perform' the act either.
When table 16 enquires about the 'hold up'. They're told that.. "Hans (that does dishes) is as soft as old Fez, With the (mild green), hairy lipped squid."
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here" says Matthew "Please tell the audience what happened"
"Well" replies Simon "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.
Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free"
Simon continues.... "The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs"
"That's terrible" says Matthew "but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?" he asks.
"No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.
The operation was successful and I've been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
"That's an unbelievable story" says Matthew "so tell me Simon, who are you going to be tonight?"
"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be�����.
Simon and Halfuncle"
Holbeckian bloody fantastic!!!!
A guitarist has an accident at work and loses one of his arms. He is absolutely devestated and try as he might, he just can't come to terms with the realization that he will never play his beloved guitar ever again. After a couple of weeks his depression spirals out of control and he decides to commit suicide. He goes to the nearest bridge and prepares to jump. Just before he throws himself off, he spots a man with no arms beneath him skipping along. The guitarist thinks to himself, "if that man can be happy with no arms then maybe i can be because at least i still have one." He goes down into the street below and approaches the man with no arms "excuse me sir,i saw you skipping down the street and was wondering how you manage to be so happy even though you have no arms?" "I'm not, snaps the man, i've got an itchy arse!!!!!"
Seems three guys show up at the proverbial Pearly Gates... St. Peter says that the place is being remodeled and only one can come in. St. Pete says "whoever died the most unusual death can come in"...
First guy says, "I came home knowing my wife was having an affair... I looked every where in our 10th floor apartment, but couldn't find hide nor hair of the culprit until I looked out the balcony door and there were 10 little finger tips holding onto the floor. I looked over and sure enough, there the guy was dangling... I stomped on his fingers, yelling all the while, but he wouldn't let go. In a rage, I grabbed the refrigerator out of the kitchen and threw it over the rail... it hit him alright, but the electric cord wrapped around my leg and pulled me over too..." Next guy says "I was installing cable TV in an 9th floor apartment and had to stand on the railing to reach the cable from the floor above and slipped... I was hanging on for dear life when this madman starts screaming at me and stomping on my fingers and then he threw a refrigerator on me..." Last guy says "There I was, naked in this refrigerator...."
Clanad that was fantastic.
A farmer went out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see were cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The reality of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then an elderly woman walked by.
"What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub a cow's nose. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer,
"You know who that was don't you?", he asked the farmer.
"No", said the farmer.
"That was Dame Thora Hird".
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