Family & Relationships3 mins ago
Mother in Law
12 Answers
The other day my in-laws were down, my oldest daughter aged 9 kept on at my in-laws about staying the night with them.
Then when she came to me and her mother about it I said she could not stay as she did not ask us first at that she started to cry and my mother in law got up and stormed out of the house shoutting im away I wont be back until after the school holidays then one word lead to an other and things were said that cant be taken back, the problem is every time we check our 9 year old for being bad the in-laws will give her a cuddle and tell her its ok when I spoke about this to my father-in-law he said they thought we were to hard on her the thing is we dont hit her with a hard soled slipper like her mother used to get from her grand mother.
now the in-laws say they will never be back as long as my wife and I are together.
Then when she came to me and her mother about it I said she could not stay as she did not ask us first at that she started to cry and my mother in law got up and stormed out of the house shoutting im away I wont be back until after the school holidays then one word lead to an other and things were said that cant be taken back, the problem is every time we check our 9 year old for being bad the in-laws will give her a cuddle and tell her its ok when I spoke about this to my father-in-law he said they thought we were to hard on her the thing is we dont hit her with a hard soled slipper like her mother used to get from her grand mother.
now the in-laws say they will never be back as long as my wife and I are together.
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Sounds like a lot of tension may have brewing (for them), it sounds like they dont agree with your way of disciplining your children, but thats your business and nothing to do with them, allthough in all honesty, it really wouldnt have hurt if she had of stayed with them would it? your daughter may have been planning on asking you after she had asked them!
Maybe her "truths" and yours are just different truths, rather than her telling untruths about you and your wife. Surely truth is a matter of perception?
To be honest, I think its always difficult with grandparents as they will do things that the parents don't like, such as spoil their grandchildren rotten, which they couldn't do with their own kids since they were responsible for bringing them up to be grounded, rounded and responsible pillars of the community.
You say that your father and mother in law don't hit your child the way they used to hit her mother - is this really how you would want them to treat her? Spoiling your daughter and letting her have her own way would NOT be good for her on a daily basis, but grandparents are there for the good times, the presents, the biscuits and the cuddles. They aren't there to chastise, punish and discipline because they have already done the hard work!
Good luck and remember that although you may not see eye to eye with your inlaws, and although they may drive you demented, they play an important role in your child's life and, ask yourself honestly, how many times have you asked them to babysit when it's been convenient for you?
To be honest, I think its always difficult with grandparents as they will do things that the parents don't like, such as spoil their grandchildren rotten, which they couldn't do with their own kids since they were responsible for bringing them up to be grounded, rounded and responsible pillars of the community.
You say that your father and mother in law don't hit your child the way they used to hit her mother - is this really how you would want them to treat her? Spoiling your daughter and letting her have her own way would NOT be good for her on a daily basis, but grandparents are there for the good times, the presents, the biscuits and the cuddles. They aren't there to chastise, punish and discipline because they have already done the hard work!
Good luck and remember that although you may not see eye to eye with your inlaws, and although they may drive you demented, they play an important role in your child's life and, ask yourself honestly, how many times have you asked them to babysit when it's been convenient for you?
sorry you have it wrong we dont want then to hit them, we dont even hit them we just shout and ground them after all in this day and age you cant hit your kids,and we have never asked them to babysit for us you see we have two girls aged 7 and 9 and my in-laws will not take them both at the same time, so we just dont ask, you see our 9 year old has the same birthday as my mother -inlaw and she makes a big thing of this but as with our 7 year old they just put up with her for the sake of it.
That is not acceptable, and I think you and your wife need to sit down calmly and explain to your in laws how your 7 y.o feels about being constantly left out. You also need to explain that the 2 girls are sisters and hence should be treated equally as you do not want one to grow thinking she is more special than the other.
Explain that if they can not do this, then they are not going to be able to take either child as it is putting a barrier up between them that is unacceptable and so will only be able to see them when they are together and with either you or your wife.
Explain that if they can not do this, then they are not going to be able to take either child as it is putting a barrier up between them that is unacceptable and so will only be able to see them when they are together and with either you or your wife.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from. My mother in law is critical of every parental decision my husband and I make, and our child is only 6 months old. To the point where we have only just started talking after a 12 week fall-out in which we did not talk to one another.
It sounds like you and your wife are in agreement with how you should parent your daughters, however I would sit down and talk ot through with her to make sure you have a united front when discussing these issues with your in laws.
When you do discuss it, do it when the kids are not there, and politely tell them that you are the girls parents, and as such you make the decisions at the end of the day!
And where it's true that grand-parents should be allowed to spoil their grandkids, everything should be done in moderation.
As regards things that have been said, you cannot take them back, and in my experience if things are not brought into the open they will fester and make everyone uncomfortable in the end. When My mother in law and I finally laid our cards on the table I realised that she was as wary and uncomfortable around me as I was around her.
I wish you all the best of luck!
ER
It sounds like you and your wife are in agreement with how you should parent your daughters, however I would sit down and talk ot through with her to make sure you have a united front when discussing these issues with your in laws.
When you do discuss it, do it when the kids are not there, and politely tell them that you are the girls parents, and as such you make the decisions at the end of the day!
And where it's true that grand-parents should be allowed to spoil their grandkids, everything should be done in moderation.
As regards things that have been said, you cannot take them back, and in my experience if things are not brought into the open they will fester and make everyone uncomfortable in the end. When My mother in law and I finally laid our cards on the table I realised that she was as wary and uncomfortable around me as I was around her.
I wish you all the best of luck!
ER
That's what grandparents are there for - to spoil the grandchildren. It's your child; you discipline here how best you see fit. When your in-laws cool down they will realise how irrational they behaved and regret they did. The grandchildren would be missed and soon everyone would be a big happy family once again.
Inlaws a a tricky breed.
Your daughters should be asking you first and whatever descisions are made should be backed up by the inlaws or any other adult around.
It will be hard for your daughters to no see them but they will get used to it. You could invite them round for a bbq or something over the summer to clear the air but at the end of the day you are the parent.
Your daughters should be asking you first and whatever descisions are made should be backed up by the inlaws or any other adult around.
It will be hard for your daughters to no see them but they will get used to it. You could invite them round for a bbq or something over the summer to clear the air but at the end of the day you are the parent.
They are your kids and it is up to you how you raise them. I have utmost sympathy for you, I have a child from a previous marriage and my in laws won't even acknowledge her. 2 years running they have refused to even send her a birthday card. Not that they have any time for me mind you, my husband gets invited to theirs or out for dinner and I'm not even mentioned....
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