Mum dying - advice needed urgently.

[Traci66]

I have not seen or spoken to my mum in 17 years and I have just had a phone call from one of my sisters saying she is dying and desperately wants to make her peace with me before she dies. I have no inclination to see her what so ever, she has had seventeen years to make her peace and hasn't bothered, so my question is:
1) Do I go and see her and let her make her peace.
2) Go and see her and tell her exactly what I think.
3) Just keep away.
The thing is I can never forgive her for what she did.

[Mamyalynne]

Don't go. ♥

[vodkancoke]

If I was in your position I would end up doing option 2! Child abuse comes down like red mist and for her to stick by the "man" who did this would make me angrier. If it were me I would have to stay away for fear of saying something I would regret. Your sisters will just have to lump it, your daughter is your priority and they should respect that.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can live your life in peace and no regrets. xx

[albaqwerty]

I have no idea if my mother is dead or not. Might sound heartless to some, but tough.

[tenrec]

The important part of all this is the future. What will you think in 5 years, 10 years etc. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[ummmm]

Canary, that comment was out of order!!

[yogi-bear]

All good sound advice here from quality people, Traci x

I would just add for you to do now what YOU feel most comfortable with...... and what you think is right and can live with, with NO regrets for the rest of your life for having done it.

The choice is purely for you to choose.

What would i do if in such a position?

I would probably go and let her make her peace before she dies....its the most humane thing to do even if she was not always the mum you wanted to have in this world. You dont have to forgive if you dont want too just give her the chance if you so wish.

Its a tough decision.

Sending you all my best wishes, traci

xxx

[suemo28]

go and make your peae once your mum has gone you will regret not saying good bye xxx

[ummmm]

Saying goodbye to someone who turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse of my daughter would not be on my lists of priorities.

[vulcan]

As Traci has said in her opening post, her Mother has had 17 years to make amends. She hasn't bothered in life, why should Traci bother in death ? Under these circumstances I couldn't ever forgive so it would only be option 3.

[ladybirder]

Nor mine ummmm.

Canary - what an unkind post from you.

[seadogg]

Imagine you are an actor playing a part. She may well want you to listen rather than talk which will make it easier for you. If you are unhappy about what happens when you go just say a few generally comforting words and get out as soon as you can.

[daffy654]

Traci isn't the one who has to make her peace. Her mother just want to assuage her own feelings of guilt, she may not even mean any apology she might make.

I was sexually abused by one of my brothers during one of the few times I actually lived with my mum (when not in whichever kids home i'd been dumped in), when my mum found out what he was doing to me she sent me off to yet another kids home and told me not to tell anyone what he'd done to me as she would tell them I was lying. Covering up sexual abuse is not forgiveable in my opinion.

[guilliebrougues]

go and see her,just remember when you were a child she nursed you put up with your tantrums loked after you when you were sick. Whatever the reason you both fell out, make your peace after all' when she is gone you only have to live with yourself . Let her die with the knowledge that whatever went wrong is now forgiven, let her believe this to help her pass on. Whatever you think afterwards doesnot matter. Kiss her goodbye it may be hard to do but I think it will help you both spiritually.

[daffy654]

guilliebrougues, you have no idea whether her mother did all those things.

[Canary42]

My apologies to those who found my post unkind - not my intention.

[chrissa1]

I started reading your post thinking, what on earth could she have done to warrant this? But when I found out, I completely understood your feelings. I couldn't go if she was my mother and had allowed this to happen to my daughter. Don't go.

[Traci66]

Well just got off the phone to my sister and have decided I am NOT going to see her, her husband will be there, my sister has said he will leave the room and give me five minutes alone with her. I would like to say thank you for all your advice, I think I needed to hear other people's opinions, but as I said, she has had seventeen years in which to try and make peace, explain why she did what she did. Yes she is dying, but at anytime over the years she could have been run over by a bus (or I could) and then this opportunity wouldn't have arisen, I don't need to make her feel better by unburdening herself and I will learn to live with the fact that I didn't say goodbye to her, even though my daughter has said she would understand, it would not feel right to me to go and see my mother, I would feel like I was betraying my daughter. Thank you to all.

[ladyalex]

Well done Traci.
I've just seen this thread and was about to post that I certainly would not and could not go.

[ladybirder]

So glad you've come to a decision. Very brave.X