How do I get my daughter back from her influential Paternal Grandparents

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mumof1 | 18:19 Mon 18th Apr 2005 | Parenting
4 Answers

After getting out of an 8-year abusive relationship, both mentally and physically, I have bought up my daughter single-handedly for 15 years.  I have always worked full time and always made sure of the best childcare possible.  My ex as only ever given me �15 per week, though he has always worked and now runs his own business.  I have paid out for extra tuition for my daughter in order for her to catch up with her workload at school. I have paid for swimming lessons, since she was a small child in order for her to be confident in the water, something of which I am not.  Her father as bought my daughter clothes, but unfortunately she has never been allowed to bring these home with her, so of course grows out of them very quickly, so I have always bought her clothes as well, which I have never stopped her taking to her fathers on her visits to him. 

Five years ago I bought my own home, in order that my daughters grandparents would stop taunting her, calling her a council estate kid, something they did quite often, which caused a great deal of stress to her.  They have taunted her in many ways, such as comparing her to her cousin, my ex's sisters eldest.  Saying how she is dumb compared to her cousin and how, unlike her cousin, she will end up working in a fast food restaurant and will not amount to anything.  They have always run me down to my daughter, even though I am highly educated with degrees and have always been a caring mother and ambitious career woman.

I have never once tried to turn my daughter against her father or his family, as families should always be as one, whether good or bad.  I believe in strong family values, something in which my ex's family seem to have forgotten.



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How do I get my daughter back from her influential Paternal Grandparents
Part II

In the last year however, illness as played its toll on my finances and have I not been able to give my daughter what I normally could, even though my love as never changed towards her.

For 15 years of complete stress from her paternal grandparents, who are always ready to try and belittle me at every chance they get, have always tried to get my daughter away from me.

Well their dreams came true the other day, when my daughter and I had an argument, which ended with both of us slapping one another, she then decided to go and stay with her grandparents for a short while, but her grand mother, rather than giving my daughter space in which to calm down and return to the family home, as decided to say to her that she would be better off with them, telling her that she can have the start to a new beginning, new school, new friends and a new life without me involved in anyway, she seems to have forgotten about what they have put us both through and decided to side with them against me.  Something I think any mother would find hurtful.

Now I am having difficulty trying to have a conversation with her over the telephone, feeling a somewhat script read response from my daughter and no true feelings of her own. 

Has anyone had the same dilemma? and can anyone out there offer me any advice, in this matter.

Submitted By: mumof1 Date Submitted: Mon 18/04/05

Duplicate question duplicate answers:

What an awful situation for you to be in.

Is your daughter only 15?  If so, I would make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau to find out where you stand legally with regard to your daughter and where she should be living.  They would also give you advice on any organisations that could offer you help and advice on how to try and sort things out between you and your daughter.  The Citizens Advice Bureau do not charge for their advice.

I really think you do need professional advice.

Best Wishes.
Submitted By: FP Date Submitted: Mon 18/04/05

I can only offer advice as someone who works with 900 teenagers in a school & I have known of similar situations occurring. Try and arrange to meet your daughter somewhere neutral for a chat (away from g/parents) & find out what SHE wants to do. At that age she may think the grass is greener, so just let her know how much you love her and want her back home.A move of school at this stage in her education is not wise- explain this to her. Legally, no one (eg police, social services etc) will make her come home if she doesn't want to. Can anyone (friend/family) as as go between? Good luck.
Submitted By: thikasabrik Date Submitted: Mon 18/04/05 

Can a child enrol at a different school without the consent of a parent or guardian? 
Submitted By: FP Date Submitted: Mon 18/04/05

Find out your legal position fast.

Keep in touch no matter how hard, tell your daughter your door is always open for her, boost her confidence if you can i.e tell how good she was at swimming, or how lovely her hair or eyes are,  the grandparents may be erroding her confidence.

Where is the father?,  how does he feel about his parents having his daughter and the possibility he will have to provide more money or give his parents more support.

The grandparents may well have difficulty looking after a  hormonal teenager .  Is she going to any school contact the headmaster, she may be upset and they may be able to talk to her.  If she isn't at school why not the grandparents should not be condoning truenc

Good luck I am sure she will soon find the grass is not greener on the other side

What a terrible situation.  I would agree with all the suggestions above.  I know you say you have strong family values, and I think that is excellent but I don't agree with you that families should always be as many situations, this is not a good thing.  If a member of the family is doing more harm than good I think that that person should be separated from that person which is doing harm.  Good luck, I really hope that your daughter understands what a great mother you are and what you have done for her.  Deep down, I reckon she knows that.

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