ChatterBank1 min ago
What should i do?
19 Answers
Ok when i was 18 i lived with this guy for 18 months, we split up coz of his bad temper.
ow i am 26 we are living together again, he was perfect and now....no!
He shouts at me for no reason then goes on about the house we live in and how it is HIS (he owns the mortgage not me) and how the car i drive is HIS (he bought it).
He is obsessed with money, needs to know where all mine goes and shouts all the time.
When he is nice to me i love him so much but when he shouts i dont know what to do...i cry coz it hurts, he calls me a baby, i walk out of the house...he shouts mrore.
Yesterday i did not have his jumper clean and dry ready for work...he shouted :-(
HELP x
ow i am 26 we are living together again, he was perfect and now....no!
He shouts at me for no reason then goes on about the house we live in and how it is HIS (he owns the mortgage not me) and how the car i drive is HIS (he bought it).
He is obsessed with money, needs to know where all mine goes and shouts all the time.
When he is nice to me i love him so much but when he shouts i dont know what to do...i cry coz it hurts, he calls me a baby, i walk out of the house...he shouts mrore.
Yesterday i did not have his jumper clean and dry ready for work...he shouted :-(
HELP x
Answers
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Dear paulakea,
I see that you wrote this on May 11th of this year, so I don't know where you are right now with this relationship. Based on what you have said, and if nothing has changed, and if you are still with him, then the best advice I can give you is to leave this person. He has severe control issues. He has severe anger issues. And he possesses a total lack of restraint in negative thinking and negative communication, which is not healthy for himself or for you.
You were right to leave him the first time. It may be difficult to hear me say this to you, because you say you love him and I believe you, but for your own mental health and future happiness, you need to leave him again - for good this time. His anger issues are his problem and he needs to get help -- don't keep on letting him make it your problem too. I can't stress this point enough. His anger belongs to HIM. He is the only person in the world who can make the decsion to let it go.
The good news is that the same is true for you. You are the only person in the world who can decide not to accept the negativity he is inflicting upon your person. You CAN say no to his shoddy treatment and decide to prefer happiness and positivity and set about to live your life that way, ideally by yourself first for a time, and then in time, with a more positive mate, who isn't carrying such a heavy load of rage around.
You are the only one who can make the decision to push these negaitve states away from you. And trust me, I know from experience how difficult it all is. But I also know from experience, how incredibily WORTH IT it is too.
This is YOUR life too, paulakea. And your happiness matters.
Sincerely,
....foreverlove
I see that you wrote this on May 11th of this year, so I don't know where you are right now with this relationship. Based on what you have said, and if nothing has changed, and if you are still with him, then the best advice I can give you is to leave this person. He has severe control issues. He has severe anger issues. And he possesses a total lack of restraint in negative thinking and negative communication, which is not healthy for himself or for you.
You were right to leave him the first time. It may be difficult to hear me say this to you, because you say you love him and I believe you, but for your own mental health and future happiness, you need to leave him again - for good this time. His anger issues are his problem and he needs to get help -- don't keep on letting him make it your problem too. I can't stress this point enough. His anger belongs to HIM. He is the only person in the world who can make the decsion to let it go.
The good news is that the same is true for you. You are the only person in the world who can decide not to accept the negativity he is inflicting upon your person. You CAN say no to his shoddy treatment and decide to prefer happiness and positivity and set about to live your life that way, ideally by yourself first for a time, and then in time, with a more positive mate, who isn't carrying such a heavy load of rage around.
You are the only one who can make the decision to push these negaitve states away from you. And trust me, I know from experience how difficult it all is. But I also know from experience, how incredibily WORTH IT it is too.
This is YOUR life too, paulakea. And your happiness matters.
Sincerely,
....foreverlove
This is not a relationship.
He is the BOSS and you are his SLAVE.
It is not a partnership.
People who behave like this (or drink, or are violent) can be very nice when they are after something or are apologising but very nasty at other times.
This is why he was nice when he wanted you back in his house. Once you were there he turned control freak again.
The fact that he was like this when you were 18, eight years ago, and he is still like it, proves he is not going to change.
I am afraid you do NOT love him. You may be in love with the idea of being in love with SOMEONE, but he is not the person.
I agree with foreverlove, this relationship is going nowhere so get out while you can.
Just be careful because morons like him can turn nasty when they dont get their own way.
He is the BOSS and you are his SLAVE.
It is not a partnership.
People who behave like this (or drink, or are violent) can be very nice when they are after something or are apologising but very nasty at other times.
This is why he was nice when he wanted you back in his house. Once you were there he turned control freak again.
The fact that he was like this when you were 18, eight years ago, and he is still like it, proves he is not going to change.
I am afraid you do NOT love him. You may be in love with the idea of being in love with SOMEONE, but he is not the person.
I agree with foreverlove, this relationship is going nowhere so get out while you can.
Just be careful because morons like him can turn nasty when they dont get their own way.
This is the guy who slept with his sister-in-law and fathered her child, but hasnt told his brother right?
Get away from him ASAP, he is not worth the effort, he will always treat you badly and so far youve let him.
You need to decide if you want to stay and be a victim of his agression or get out of the relationship and give yourself the chance of a happy life with someone who does care about you.
Are you still trying to conceive, if you are then please stand back and look carefully at the situation
Get away from him ASAP, he is not worth the effort, he will always treat you badly and so far youve let him.
You need to decide if you want to stay and be a victim of his agression or get out of the relationship and give yourself the chance of a happy life with someone who does care about you.
Are you still trying to conceive, if you are then please stand back and look carefully at the situation
Little by little that is how. Your mum would rather help you than have you live like this. Does she know how bad it is? After all she gave birth to you - did she go through that and put you in this world as a convenience for this man?
I was married, had 2 kids, a business, a mortgage, loans, credit cards etc etc and thought I could never dis-entangle my life from my ex-husband who shouted and swore at me for 20 years for not doing things like have his jumper ready, shirt ironed, dinner ready etc etc.
Dont wait until you are 40 and have kids. Your life is worth so much more than spending it as a skivvy for this man. He will use you to unload of all his own insecurities and inadequacies.
Trust one who has been there - you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and like who you see - if you stay with him you will eventually lose your own self respect and sense of worth.
Best of luck - these things take time - but start to work it out today. xxx
I was married, had 2 kids, a business, a mortgage, loans, credit cards etc etc and thought I could never dis-entangle my life from my ex-husband who shouted and swore at me for 20 years for not doing things like have his jumper ready, shirt ironed, dinner ready etc etc.
Dont wait until you are 40 and have kids. Your life is worth so much more than spending it as a skivvy for this man. He will use you to unload of all his own insecurities and inadequacies.
Trust one who has been there - you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and like who you see - if you stay with him you will eventually lose your own self respect and sense of worth.
Best of luck - these things take time - but start to work it out today. xxx
I thought i loved him, i do love him but not when he shouts at me, he hurts me so bad.
I know he loves me and he says when he shouts it is because he is tired and he really didnt mean it! He is sooo sorry after he's done it.
i want him to be the man i fell in love with, to change how he is and we coud be so happy.
Rite now i feel like hopping on a plane and disappearing, starting a fresh sumwhere :-(
I know he loves me and he says when he shouts it is because he is tired and he really didnt mean it! He is sooo sorry after he's done it.
i want him to be the man i fell in love with, to change how he is and we coud be so happy.
Rite now i feel like hopping on a plane and disappearing, starting a fresh sumwhere :-(
sounds a lot like my ex hubby , i left him beginning of the year, it was tough at first making all my own decisions , controlling my own finances etc and he begged me to go back saying hed change , making promises etc but there was too much water under the bridge and i had stopped loving him, at first he was very nice and sweet but i coukld tell it was just his efforts to get me back home when we have to talk now , about the kids arragements and stuff which we often disagree with he starts shouting and is often aggressive,but i love being able to walk away and have great pleasure in saying to him "thats why we aren't together anymore " , so please paulakea get out now you can do it , everyone deserves to be treated with respect , excuse the rushed reply! xx
You say you love the nice side of him, but that is only a part of him. The horrid part of him is just as much him as the nice. If you dont love the horrid part - and who would? - you dont love the whole person.
You need to love yourself more than him - you do not deserve this - you deserve a man who is good to you all the time and not just now and then when he wants something or when everything is going his way.
You are in love with an idea of him - but its not him is it? Its what you want him to be and he's just not.
Sorry if that doesnt make sense but hope you know what I mean.
You need to love yourself more than him - you do not deserve this - you deserve a man who is good to you all the time and not just now and then when he wants something or when everything is going his way.
You are in love with an idea of him - but its not him is it? Its what you want him to be and he's just not.
Sorry if that doesnt make sense but hope you know what I mean.
Dear Paulakea,
The Jekyll and Hyde of this man's personality is no accident.
He is a MASTER MANIPULATOR.
And the brother/sister-in-law/child "issue" is further indicative of just how screwed up he really is.
The man is a SNAKE! Your friends are right. Run, don't walk, away from this man!
You may have to get together with your Mom, on a pretext of a visit, or dinner, or whatever and find a place of your own behind his back. And like another friend mentioned, start getting rid of stuff little by little. (Start with the most important -- identity papers, social security, pay stubs, family photos, sentimental gifts from family and best friends, etc., things you can't replace. That having been said, keep in mind that In the end, you may not be able to afford a smooth exit, but at this point an exit is crucial. This man will drive you insane if you stay.
Remember, Mr. Master Manipulator is holding your financial hardship situation over you. It is a large contributor to his abillity to have COMPLETE CONTROL. You have no need to feel sorry for this man -- he is quite cunning. His tearful sorrys are just crococile tears. They are fake. He is very, very good at what he does. Know this.
All these things that we are saying to you are true. You need to set yourself free. Please do this for yourself.
Sincerely,
...foreverlove
The Jekyll and Hyde of this man's personality is no accident.
He is a MASTER MANIPULATOR.
And the brother/sister-in-law/child "issue" is further indicative of just how screwed up he really is.
The man is a SNAKE! Your friends are right. Run, don't walk, away from this man!
You may have to get together with your Mom, on a pretext of a visit, or dinner, or whatever and find a place of your own behind his back. And like another friend mentioned, start getting rid of stuff little by little. (Start with the most important -- identity papers, social security, pay stubs, family photos, sentimental gifts from family and best friends, etc., things you can't replace. That having been said, keep in mind that In the end, you may not be able to afford a smooth exit, but at this point an exit is crucial. This man will drive you insane if you stay.
Remember, Mr. Master Manipulator is holding your financial hardship situation over you. It is a large contributor to his abillity to have COMPLETE CONTROL. You have no need to feel sorry for this man -- he is quite cunning. His tearful sorrys are just crococile tears. They are fake. He is very, very good at what he does. Know this.
All these things that we are saying to you are true. You need to set yourself free. Please do this for yourself.
Sincerely,
...foreverlove
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