What is going on with my relationship?

[Halifaxmum]

We have been together for 5 years - lived together for just over 2, lived separately since then, but still "together".

I've had quite a tough time these last couple of years, and have depression amongst other problems, the net result is that I have no desire to have sex at all. My partner had quite a high sex drive and a colleague at work who is very keen on her.

We talked last week and I told her that I have no sex drive and that she should find it elsewhere as I knew it made her unhappy. She has now done this (with the work colleague), but still says she loves me? They go out together, to the cinema, for coffee - surely our relationship as it was, is over?

I'm thinking we're now just friends and I don't want to say ily, but she seems to want to have me and the colleague as well. I gave her my old car and still pay the insurance on it for her.

I know this sounds a mess, I don't have anyone I can talk to, so I thought my AB friends might have some advice?

TIA x

[ummmm]

How often do you see her?

[Halifaxmum]

It was pretty much every day, up to the last few weeks, now every 2 or 3 days, usually for a half hour cuppa

[DTCwordfan]

I think that, in the first instance, you need some affirmative action and go and book an appt with the Quack with a referral for counselling as to the underlying problem of depression.

Keep her informed and maybe she would accompany you and encourage you if you do this - as she sees progress on your part being made, however little the "wins" are at the beginning.

And who knows from there, perhaps the sparks are rekindled....

[ummmm]

<now every 2 or 3 days, usually for a half hour cuppa>

That's not really a relationship. Maybe she's scared to end things because of the depression.

Can you handle the thought of a permanent split? How is her seeing someone else effecting you?

[jackthehat]

You haven't really confirmed whether you want this relationship to continue.

It is dying from a thousand small cuts and will drag you deeper into your depression if you let it.

You have to decide to make a decision. Either it is worth fighting for, or it isn't. If it is, your girlfriend must stop seeing her colleague and throw her full weight behind making you better. If it isn't, then let her go.....

But, please, please, please don't be *noble* about it all and send her off to another with your blessing.....your fragile self-esteem will wither away.

[Halifaxmum]

I have had depression since I was a kid - not wanting to sound boring, but childhood was really tough and adulthood has pretty much matched it! The tablets I take get me through.

I really don't know what I want. I like being with her and we have a laugh, but on a friend-friend level.

I don't mind her going with this other person, but I don't understand how she can do this and still say she loves me? How can she? I suppose I just want to be good friends, as we do get on well together.

Thank you for all your replies x

[ummmm]

She can still love you. Especially if you've given her no reason to stop loving you. It's aspects of the relationship that are wrong.

[Halifaxmum]

that's interesting ummm, i'd not thought about it like that - thank you x

what would you do in this situation?

[ummmm]

I would call it a day on the relationship. And stays friends if you can handle that. You're taking her feeling into consideration, and I'm sure she respects you for that...and she's being honest with you. It's a good basis for a friendship x

[cathfromsaron]

i think she's letting you go gently!

from next policy, let her pay her own insurance and be truly independent!

you will meet someone compatible for friendship soon!

pls see your GP!

cath x

[4getmenot]

anyone else agree if it were a woman writing this about a bloke most replies would be saying to get rid and that hes using you?

[maggiebee]

Think maybe you answered your own question when you said "I suppose I just want to be good friends, as we do get on well together." At the end of the day it's got to be what you want. Have you thought about talking to your GP about a possible way forward - change of medication etc? Good luck whatever you decide.

[ummmm]

But from the OP's Q and A's he's not being used.

They are being honest with each other.

[Halifaxmum]

Thank you all so much for your replies - it really helps x

[ludwig]

Why are you paying the insurance on the car you gave her? I'd stop doing that for a start and any other financial support you may provide.

It's not just a question of whether you're being used or not - it's that she may feel she owes you something, and therefore feels obliged to keep the relationship going when she may not really want to.

If you both want to be friend, just be friends.

[Halifaxmum]

ludwig - she can't afford her own insurance with no No claims - I have 7 years on that policy, so I've kept it on. I also have my own policy on my recently-bought new car - my insurer has generously given me 3 yrs NCD on it.

I guess I do still love her, but not in a sexual way - does that make sense? I would be sad if we weren't friends, so I think I'll tell her this when I see her.

[rosamundjohn]

Only you know what is going on. perhaps you should try some Viagra from your doctor although this may not work if the problem is psychological....

[boxtops]

It doesn't have to be about sex though, some heterosexual relationships don't have a lot of sex - Halifaxmum and her girlfriend need to sit down and decide what they really want. They could be unusual and have an open relationship, perhaps, if that keeps them both happy. If they don't, then perhaps they need to just be friends...

[ummmm]

Complete sense, Halifax.

I think people imagine the end of a relationship to be full of bitterness. It's not always like that. You just start loving them in a different way.

[rosamundjohn]

a relationship without sex does not really work. What do others think?