Is my husband having an affair?

[joannewatson]

A few months ago I noticed a text message from a girl who I have never heard of on my husbands phone. I trust my husband and did not read it and never mentioned it to him. At around the same time he ordered another sim card, I queried this with him and he said it was because it was free and that he was going to send it back, I later saw a bill for this phone.

Anyway, we were out the other day and I asked to borrow his phone and went to use it, he immediately came after me and said don't be long as I don't have much credit (he seemed a bit agitated). As I was handing it back a text message popped up from this same girl which said 'r u ok babes?'. I pretended I didn't notice it and I think he wasn't sure if I had seen it but he was then overly nice to me and was saying how much he loved me and had tears in his eyes. A little later I could not get this out of my mind and was funny with him and we ended up falling out. Once home I asked him who this girl was and he initially pretended he did not know what I was talking about and denied knowing this girl and made out I must have mis-read the text and it was a from a male workmate. After much more probing he admitted it was a girl from work he is friends with and that he thought I would go mad. I accepted this but the way he has reacted was very suspicious. Then, last night when I went on the internet I went to log onto my e-mail and found the login was in my husbands name so he has set up a e-mail account without mentioning it to me. He is not great on the computer and would not know this would show, he also has no reason to have an e-mail account.

We have been together 13 years and always had a close & good relationship. However, it has been very difficult between us since I told him I was pregnant with our one year old, although he already has a 14 year old son from a previous relationship.

What should I do???

[4GS]

he was then overly nice to me and was saying how much he loved me

Been there, done that, and you'd better believe I was cheating and had been sussed by my then g/f

[pips1]

Sorry Joanne but 4GS is right. My friends husband (now ex) was always overly nice to her when he was cheating. It is a sure sign in my opinion.

[SKA]

I think you should just call her and ask her whats going on!! You never know she may just be a friendly friend!!

[RevFunk]

The naievety of some people.

Trust me a bloke doesnt just get another sim card unless he's up to no good

[cazzz1975]

I would arrange to meet the other girl, chances are he has given her the hard luck story of how he does not have a relationship with you at all and is only there because of his child, then when you are armed with info confront him

[andrea81]

I think the SIM card is a definite worry. Why don't you call his bluff! Tell him that you had an anonymous girl phone the house and told you about him cheating!

If he is (which I do think he is) he will just assume you have caught him out and admit it!

[funnytroll]

ya cheating

[SKA]

ok everyone is quite right ignore my last answer men are pigs divorce him drain his bank account get off with his best friend and then feel good, seriously I just got dumped but was trying to spread love.

that�s a rotten thing of him to do especially since you have a child with him

Anyway joannewatson how do you feel?

[andy-hughes]

OK, let's be rational here.

You can safely dismiss all the 'fippant' responses, this is clearly upsetting you, and not a matter for jokey answers.

I'm sad to say I am inclined to agree with the previous posters who suggest that, at the very least, all is not well with your marriage, and at worst, your husband is seeing someone else.

I would not dream of contacting, much less seeing anyone else involved, this is between the two of you.

Pluck up your courage, and tell him you want to talk to him. Look him straight in the eyes and ask him if there is anything he wants to tell you. This may be just the trigger he needs to confess- the strain of an affair can be enourmous, and he may be hoping in a perverse way that he is found out so he can start doing something about it.

When you have talked it over, and been angry and upset, you then need to think for yourself about how you want to proceed - either with some counselling, or if you feel your relationship cannot be salvaged, you need to examine your future options.

It may be that your husband has been unable to discus his feelings about a new baby, but an affair, or even a 'friendship' is absolutely not the answer.

I hope you can work things out - but the sooner you start, the better it will be for you. There is nothing to be gained by hanging on when the evidence is certainly there that something is seriously wrong.

Do please keep us posted - there are plenty of people on here who will support you through this.

[andrea81]

Agree with andy-hughes, there are lots of us on here that will help and you might need to start thinking about what you want if he is indeed having an affair!

As andy-hughes says, he might want to be found out as it will be the catalyst to it coming to an end or the start of you and him sorting things out!

[leelapops]

I am in absolute agreement with andy and andrea. Lots of luck, joanne hun.
Oh and you can PM me anytime if you need a chat.

[Im a BusyBee]

Not sure this is a good idea but its worth a thought.....if they are just friendly can you think of some reason for inviting her round to your house (while you are both there) just as a 'friend' for a drink, bbq whatever and see how they are together im sure you would pick up on how they act even they 'pretend' on that occasion to just be friends. You may even be able to suss him out from his reaction when you even suggest inviting her round and ask from there if there is something more to this than he is letting on. What do other abers think of this idea?

[leelapops]

Hello BusyBee, that's an interesting idea. It would have to work in context though wouldn't it? If joanne has never been one for house gatherings, it would be odd for her to start now! It is certainly one option though.
x

[Im a BusyBee]

yes your right..........ok then maybe they meet for coffee in town one weekend or joanne calls into his work for a coffee rather than inviting her round. If he is lying she may not actually work at the same place of course.

[bubbles4920]

sounds like he is cheating im sorry to say. you can get special equipment now to see what has been deleted on a mobile if you are that desperate and want to know the real truth. as said too, look on history on the computer. i reall y hope that you can get things sorted with this, it can make you ill, there are lots of reasons why people have affairs, some can kill and some can cure a relationship and some just go back to normal. it definitely needs to be out in the open whatever. by the way my hubby was 'pursued' by a womanfrom work and he had an affair with her 3 times within a 7 year period, she just wouldnt relent and he was too soft and gave in each time, im still with him, sometimes i wonder why, suppose love is a very weird thing. i just knew he was seeing someone, each time. its a gut instinct. the 2nd and 3rd times my friends said he couldnt be but i just knew. confrontation does air things but i dont think it can ever be the same again, not for me deep down anyway. all the best, do keep us posted.

[coke71]

If you feel you haven't got the strength to ask him outright and then still having the doubt if he denies it why not hire a private detective or something on them lines. then if he isn't getting up to no good you'll feel loads happier but if he is then you can confront him and he'll not be able to wiggle his way out and then you could build on it from there. (although i do think andy hughes advice was really good)you must do something though because you will just make yourself poorly if not :( I feel for you hun, I really hope things work out for. and i always believe things happen for a reason x

[luckyman]

he.s at his work!!!!!!!..lull him into a false sense of security and gather ur evidence meanwhile...he wlll trip up again soon......

[naflharrison]

im sorry to say this but i really think your hubby is cheating on you. i hate to admit it but i have been in the same situation before but unfortunately i was the other woman. i was fairly young and didnt find out there was a wife and children until nearly 2 yrs had past and now that i look back all the signs were there but i was too in love with him to acknoledge them. it was very difficult and even tho i was not aware this man was married (his job had him work away alot) when he decided to tell his wife we talked and she blamed me fully even tho he was and by the way still is her husband who cheated on her. please remember that if your husband is having an affair he is to blame as the other girl may not even know you exist. and as angry and hurt as you will feel all is not lost, its possible to work through an affair, when you say your hubby had tears in his eyes its obvious he knows what a mess he is in and regretting it. maybe you just need to confront him and get it all out in the open. then you can day by day work thru whatever problems you may have.

[gleaveyweave]

Hi Joanne, as many people have already said - it would seem that your husband is up to no good. His behaviour is extremely similar to my soon- to -be ex husband who had been having an affair for years. It is not always the case that a man smartens himself up, buys new clothes/aftershave etc - my ex did none of the "typical" things. This was his second affair, I forgave him the first as I, like you, had a one year old child at the time - for me, it was the biggest mistake I ever made, as instead of learning from his affair and appreciating the fact that I had given him a second chance, he took it as a green light to have more and clearly thought I would forgive him again. Granted, not all men are like this but i'm just giving you my situation. I hope things work out for you but if he is having an affair (which sounds VERY likely), you have to decide if you will ever be able to trust him again and if not, my advice would be to not stay with him because of your child as you will always carry a huge weight on your shoulders which will affect him/her too in the end. Good luck chick x x