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Jokes

Looking for a laugh? There are plenty of funny jokes being told on The AnswerBank, so sit back, relax and have a read.

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-SharonA-
Speaking to my Chinese neighbour earlier on about tonight's F.A. cup tie, I said if Sutton United win tonight I'll eat my hat!. To which he replied, " If Sutton United win tonight I'll eat my cat."...
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Patsy33
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be....
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Dinapal
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a...
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Dinapal
Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to...
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marval
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The...
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Patsy33
A seamstress I know keeps telling me jokes. She has me in stitches..... ....
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marval
A man walks into a bar. “Can I have a pint of less please?” he asks. “I’m sorry sir,” the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled. “I’ve not come across that one before, is it a...
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Dinapal
A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting. When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client, "I have some good news and some bad news." The client:...
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Patsy33
My great grandfather designed the lion statue in Trafalgar Square Very cutting edge for its time. That put the cat among the pigeons!........
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Shaglene
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."...
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percy1946
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar " Pint of best " he says to the barman. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices a man sitting at a table eating a swan. Would you like a drink he asks, but...
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marval
My friend loves the Beatles. He has all but one of the original L.P records with autographed sleeves. I think he needs Help....
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Patsy33
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the barman. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and...
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melv16
Found an Aston Villa shirt in a Sainsbury's bag, dumped in my garden. I thought to myself...I'm having that, don't people know that shopping bags cost 5p...
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Patsy33
I never got to say goodbye to my Grandfather All the more poignant as he drowned face down in a bowl of Cheerios.. ....
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melv16
Seen an Aston Villa season ticket fastened to a turnstile. I thought to myself..I'm having that, you never know when a nail will come in....
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marval
Has anyone lost a large wad of twenty pound notes? . Wrapped in an elastic band? . Please get in touch as soon as possible. I have found the elastic band....
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Grandpappy
Why are women so bad at judging distances? Because men keep telling us that, ( and here you have to visualize a distance of about two inches between forefinger and thumb ) that, is nine inches!...
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Gizmonster
...... luckily my injuries were only super fish oil :) ...... okay, I'll grab my coat now .........
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Wellfield
Premature ejaculator seeks fit woman for no strings fun. Preferably blonde, must have full lips, large breasts, long legs, pert backside... Oh God- Nevermind....

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