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A husband and his wife are having an argument. The wife says, “And another thing I want to tell you. I've noticed every time you talk, you say my house, my automobile, my chair, my shoes;...
Q. What's pink and hard in the mornings ? A. The Financial Times Crossword...
Dear (person being rejected's name here____), I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly...
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the lemonade. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they...
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the...
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. As she bends down in her chair to get the...
Q] How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day? A] Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil....
A termite walks into the Tudor Arms in Slimbridge and asks, "never mind boaty not being in, is the bar tender here"?...
A Yorkshire man named Welshie moved to Conway and bought a sheep from an old Anglesey farmer for £100. The Anglesey farmer agreed to deliver the sheep the next day. The next day the farmer drove up...
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Believe her,...
What did the Glasgow blonde say after having multiple orgasms? "Well done, the Scottish swimming team."...
Last night, I phoned up the Truro Pizza Hut and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross....
Tony and Bernie walk into a pub. They order a couple of beers and open up their lunch boxes. The bartender spots them and says. ''Sorry, but you can't eat your own food in here.'' So Tony and Bernie...
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him. "Listen, if you ever expect to cure...
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor. "The parrot I purchased uses improper language." "I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear." "Oh, it isn't...
.....by a swarm of bees yesterday they robbed me of my nectar points...
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: 1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,...
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he...
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eye glasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?" "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my...
........ that i have the body of a god unfortunately it's bhudda...

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