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The murderer was holed up in his house, and the police team was trying to get him out. A policeman got on the loud hailer and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!" The...
A woman gets pulled over by the old bill for doing 47 in a 30 limit. The officer handed her a fixed penalty notice saying there was no point pleading and she was getting a ticket like it or not. "Is...
Paddy was spotted driving along the road at a steady speed, when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the hard shoulder. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the boot. From a large...
3 profit warnings, the announcement today about having to write down profits by 1/4 billion and the share price collapsing by 11% - Tesco's have just announced a store expansion programme and 20000...
My cat escaped today. After hours of searching, I found him in a service station, he was rotating strangely on his back. I asked at the counter if this was typical behaviour, the Tesco assistant...
Anyone know the time?
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks...
A woman who was nine months pregnant was browsing at a car boot sale. When she stopped at a stall, the owner asked her if she knew whether she was having a boy or a girl. 
The woman told her she...
A man is talking to his best friend about married life. “You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.” His...
A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The...
A boss has to interview four girls for a secretary position. He asked each of them the same tricky question… Boss: “A woman normally has two lips. What’s the difference between the two?” First...
A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting. "Did you see the shot fired?" "No sir, I only heard it." "Stand down, said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value." The...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service...
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual...
...
A man went on a job interview the other day. Now he was not really looking for another job, but it doesn't hurt to see what's out there. He saw a great one in the paper with much higher pay then what...
...
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A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear....
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. She excuses herself to fetch her mum and introduce her new Friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the...

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