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My girlfriend asked me : "what's the worst thing you've done when drunk?" Apparently "you" wasn't the answer she was expecting....
Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time. The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day" The boy replies 'That's...
A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one; I'll take a...
An American tourist goes into a bar in Cork, and proclaims loudly that he would bet $5000 that no Irishman could drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes. There is silence, and then one guys gets up...
"It's important we remember the [i] true meaning [i] of Easter" ...said the Archbishop of Cadbury...
A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is sounding off about how lazy the British are, says he drives his load from Berlin, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Berlin in...
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. We never...
To set the scene...3 senior gents walking along the beach. 1st man.."Its windy today" . 2nd man "No, its Thursday". 3rd man "Me too, lets go for a beer"! Foot note...Surround yourself with friends who...
This time, I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to...
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?...
A man was in a long line at his local supermarket. As he got to the checkout, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the...
My Darling Husband Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Range Rover when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it was not too...
A officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,'I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.' The driver says,'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'...
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he...
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife. Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet. Inspector: What is her height? Husband:...
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the...
Apparently Prince Charles was up in the north to open an engineering complex. Shortly before going into the main hall, he approached the chairman and said, "I've got a bit of a problem, I have left my...
How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together....
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's...
Guide dogs for the blind have announced, that they will be training a new Muslim guide dog. It will be called a Barka...

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