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An Aston Villa fan walks into a Birmingham pub and spots a guy wearing a Manchester United shirt. "Drinks for everyone here, barman," shouts the Aston Villa fan. "Except for 
Mr. Manchester United."...
On a London underground train to St John’s Wood to watch the cricket at Lords, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You...
On the packet it said it would remove stains even when you set the machine at 30 degrees. But that would mean pulling the machine out of the slot under the worktop and having it on the crab in the...
A young private in the trenches suddenly finds the hell too much for him, watching his mates die one after another. He throws down his weapons and starts running away from the Front, running until...
A rich couple hired a new chauffeur. The woman asked him to take her out shopping and was very shaken by the experience. Back home, she pleaded with her husband. "Please dear, you must sack this new...
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was...
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day All it was doing was collecting dust!...
A man is in court, judge says to him " you are charged with murdering your wife with a hammer" from the back of the court someone shouts "***". Judge continues "you are also charged with murdering...
A man took his wife to bed and pleasured her with a large cucumber.She had a multiple orgasm,they both fell asleep exhausted...Hours later she woke up screaming"YES! YES! YES! O GOD ,I'M COMING!"In...
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was...
Dear Sir On behalf of Channel 4, may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.Also for the the charming photograph you enclosed.Whilst agreeing that...
One of the most successful scientific discoveries in the UK was the in-vitro pregnancy programme which was completed entirely without a cock up....
And now Ladies and Gentlemen - next on the stage a fabulous new band, The Bailiffs - take it away boys....
A female five string banjoist was heard shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."...
What do you call a group of topless female accordian players? Ladies in Pain...
..a new website for ventriloquists.. Guggleuguggleugot.....
The census taker knocked on old Miss Barker’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss...
At the urging of his doctor, an elderly man moved to the countryside. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It certainly is," the man...
I feel like my body has got totally out of shape. So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,...
..writing the screenplay of the tornado film twister. I'm still on the first draft..

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