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Lady went into jewellers and asked to see a tray of rings from the window display. Assistant put them on the counter and asked her to look at them. As she bent over she fa broke wind, then after...
Q. Why do traffic lights rarely go swimming ? A. Because they take too long to change. Q. Why do birds fly South in Winter A. Because it's too far to walk...
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he...
A daughter told her father that her upcoming wedding was going to cost him about ten thousand pounds. "How can it be costing me anything?" he asked. "I thought I was giving you away?"...
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/cheeky-kid-asks-man-buy-5967553?ref=yfp...
I bought a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom." It hurts to walk, but whenever I pass wind, the room smells lovely....
A Sparky [electrician?] dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd...
A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume". One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I...
Because they can be taught....
The Letter Writers Guild keep calling me. They want to know if I have been misold ...
CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.' HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS...
Quite an intriguing solution …. A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the Will it read: My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses; My middle son...
I was out shopping today when I thought I'd take a risk. I would have taken a Monopoly but they had sold out....
I reported it to the police and they're now combing the area.
If 50 Shades of Grey had been written by a Man Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke. -------------...
While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,...
Whats the Capital Of Greece ??? . . About 50 Euro's and a few Goats...
I've just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles... My next poop could spell disaster!
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune: "One British SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends...
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous (Winston Churchill apparently loved them). 1. Where there's a...

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