Crosswords1 min ago
I got my face slapped by the new girl at work today. I only asked If she spits or swallows.
It seems like a reasonable question, being as we are both wine tasters. ___ A thief broke into my house... ...
It seems like a reasonable question, being as we are both wine tasters. ___ A thief broke into my house... ...
Summer school holidays were over and young Jack returned to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack... ...
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack... ...
Shaun and Patrick are on a cruise ship. "It's awful quiet on the deck tonight," says Shaun.
Patrick says: "Maybe they're all listening to the band."
"What band, there isn't one." says Shaun.
Patrick... ...
Patrick says: "Maybe they're all listening to the band."
"What band, there isn't one." says Shaun.
Patrick... ...
A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, "My dad's a solicitor for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little... ...
How would you like to pay? Cash? Card? Or through the nose?
Just bumped into an old mate today. I said, "What are you doing these days?"
He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, *** heads and down and outs."
I said, "Oh, are you working for... ...
He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, *** heads and down and outs."
I said, "Oh, are you working for... ...
Father in a conversation with a neighbour...
First son: Degree in Economics
Second son: MBA
Third son: PhD
Fourth son: Thief
Neighbour: "Why can't you throw the fourth son out of your house?"
Father:... ...
First son: Degree in Economics
Second son: MBA
Third son: PhD
Fourth son: Thief
Neighbour: "Why can't you throw the fourth son out of your house?"
Father:... ...
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the Ringmaster.
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He climbs up to the high wire... ...
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He climbs up to the high wire... ...
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,... ...
First off I am ok. 😑 😬
I was a little shaken up this morning as I was robbed at a petrol station in Broughton. After my hands stopped trembling I managed to call the police. They were quick to... ...
I was a little shaken up this morning as I was robbed at a petrol station in Broughton. After my hands stopped trembling I managed to call the police. They were quick to... ...
Husband: "Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they... ...
Something between a Mister and a mattress.
I noticed some folks were throwing a fancy dress party on our block, trouble was my girlfriend and I had no costumes to wear. I said to my GF "quick jump up on my back, we will get in somehow". A... ...
Mum: "Having trouble with your computer, son?"
Son: "My PC says it can't see my printer."
Mum: "I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is."
___
An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a... ...
Son: "My PC says it can't see my printer."
Mum: "I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is."
___
An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a... ...
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honour," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes,"... ...
"You have, Your Honour," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes,"... ...
The job on the farm didn't last long, the boss said that "sleeping on the job is unacceptable" so I took him to the tribunal, and said in my defence "well it was you who told me to count those... ...
Teacher said to Tommy "Have you got a brother ?"
He said "No miss but my sister has." ___ A prostitute says to Paddy: "Would you like to have sex?"
Paddy says: "Ok, but only of you do it like my wife... ...
He said "No miss but my sister has." ___ A prostitute says to Paddy: "Would you like to have sex?"
Paddy says: "Ok, but only of you do it like my wife... ...
I was chatting to my neighbour over the fence yesterday and I asked him what date it was, he checked his watch and said "March 1st" So I strode round the garden and asked him again.
I think I might apply for the new series of Embarrassing Bodies...
One of my testicles is bigger than the other two! ___ Most of my relatives are Police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank... ...
One of my testicles is bigger than the other two! ___ Most of my relatives are Police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank... ...
I just bought one of those low energy light bulbs from B&Q. The till assistant said "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
I said "No, I'm putting it up in the lounge." ___ Breaking news about the... ...
I said "No, I'm putting it up in the lounge." ___ Breaking news about the... ...
