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Hopkirk

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Hopkirk
I'm never donating to anyone doing the marathon again. They just take the money and run....
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Hopkirk
If Mr Spock has got pointed ears, what has Mr Scott got? Engineers....
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Hopkirk
I was so unpopular at school that they used to call me 'batteries'. I was never included....
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Hopkirk
Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?' Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?' Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?' Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap...
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Hopkirk
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'. Peter Kay...
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Hopkirk
Friends of an old boy hire a lady of the night for his 90th birthday. She arrives at his door, throws open her coat, and says, “I’m here to give you super sex!” The old man thinks a second and says...
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Hopkirk
for the alert?
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Hopkirk
The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’ I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’ Les Dawson...
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Hopkirk
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. Marcus Brigstocke...
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Hopkirk
A man walks into a chemist’s and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I’ll take it with me now" Ronnie Barker...
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Hopkirk
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
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Hopkirk
I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.
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Hopkirk
Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.
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Hopkirk
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace....
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Hopkirk
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a...
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Hopkirk
Is anyone still actually using one?
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Hopkirk
I just got nine out of ten on my driving test. The last guy was able to get out of the way....
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Hopkirk
BBC News - South Africa snake on plane: Deadly cobra in cockpit forces emergency landing https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-65188013 They still haven't found it!...
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Hopkirk
A friend of mine has been suffering from paranoid delusions, and now he thinks he's a chocolate orange. I'm worried he's going to be sectioned. Poor Terry....

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