Spectator N0 2651 By Fieldfare
Crosswords0 min ago
TOWIE's Story
33 Answers
Towie was born into criminal royalty. Her parents held many awards and glittering prizes including Best Shoplifter (1955), Best Armed Robber (1960), Best Car Thief (1962) and others too numerous to mention. Whilst still in the womb as her mother was being searched, the unborn Towie kicked out so hard the policewoman was left with bruising. Towie had the dubious distinction of being the only baby ever to have been born whilst on bail for assault. The charges were later dropped on a technicality. As a child she had been bridesmaid for one Kray twin, four Great Train Robbers and an axe murderer. Her parents had decided early on that her career lay in pickpocketing the elderly of the county and gave her the nickname Towie (Takes Oldies Wallets In Essex).
By the time she reached her teens, Towie had already adopted the look she would keep for the rest of her life. This included white stilleto shoes, a perma-tan, owning and wearing all at once the entire jewellery collection from Argos and having a peroxide beehive which was backcombed and lacquered to within an inch of its life. Rumour had it that the beehive was home to her life savings, a small family of rodents and several snacks in case of emergency.
She married her childhood sweetheart and they were together for several happy years until the fateful day he decided to pop out for some milk. Unbeknown to him, the milk tanker he stole had a tracking device fitted and he was sent down for seven years.
One day she decided to sort out her husband's wardrobe. She sent his clothes to the dry cleaners, oiled and cleaned his sawn off shotguns and then stopped in her tracks at the sight of a large, sealed cardboard box. Cautiously opening it, she gasped as she saw the tightly stacked bundles of £50 notes. Being of a practical nature and fully conversant with the money laundering regulations, she decided to consult with her best friend DeeSa. Together they came up with a plan to move to the sticks and open a business with the money. After sticking a pin in a map, the village of Answerbank under the Wold was chosen and an empty shop was rented. Towie was tight lipped about the nature of the new business and was viewed by the locals as someone who was friendly, if a touch common.
After much speculation, the opening day dawned and a crowd of locals assembled. Before Towie had chance to give her carefully prepared speech, an argument errupted between the landlady of the local pub and a strange looking man dragging a condom machine behind him. The landlady's handbag, containing several cans of Guinness sailed through the shop window. Towie screeched with rage, launched into attack mode and a full scale brawl began. As this was happening, thieves from the neighbouring lawless village of Sportsanswerbank in the Marsh were round the back of the shop loading the contents into a large van.
Much later, after being released on bail, Towie returned to the shop and sadly surveyed the broken window and empty shelves. She smiled grimly as she thought of the revenge she and her many friends in low places would wreak on the perpetrators, and casually picked up the phone.
By the time she reached her teens, Towie had already adopted the look she would keep for the rest of her life. This included white stilleto shoes, a perma-tan, owning and wearing all at once the entire jewellery collection from Argos and having a peroxide beehive which was backcombed and lacquered to within an inch of its life. Rumour had it that the beehive was home to her life savings, a small family of rodents and several snacks in case of emergency.
She married her childhood sweetheart and they were together for several happy years until the fateful day he decided to pop out for some milk. Unbeknown to him, the milk tanker he stole had a tracking device fitted and he was sent down for seven years.
One day she decided to sort out her husband's wardrobe. She sent his clothes to the dry cleaners, oiled and cleaned his sawn off shotguns and then stopped in her tracks at the sight of a large, sealed cardboard box. Cautiously opening it, she gasped as she saw the tightly stacked bundles of £50 notes. Being of a practical nature and fully conversant with the money laundering regulations, she decided to consult with her best friend DeeSa. Together they came up with a plan to move to the sticks and open a business with the money. After sticking a pin in a map, the village of Answerbank under the Wold was chosen and an empty shop was rented. Towie was tight lipped about the nature of the new business and was viewed by the locals as someone who was friendly, if a touch common.
After much speculation, the opening day dawned and a crowd of locals assembled. Before Towie had chance to give her carefully prepared speech, an argument errupted between the landlady of the local pub and a strange looking man dragging a condom machine behind him. The landlady's handbag, containing several cans of Guinness sailed through the shop window. Towie screeched with rage, launched into attack mode and a full scale brawl began. As this was happening, thieves from the neighbouring lawless village of Sportsanswerbank in the Marsh were round the back of the shop loading the contents into a large van.
Much later, after being released on bail, Towie returned to the shop and sadly surveyed the broken window and empty shelves. She smiled grimly as she thought of the revenge she and her many friends in low places would wreak on the perpetrators, and casually picked up the phone.
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