The Answerbank Radio Show - Episode 11

mrs_overall | 10:23 Wed 11th Jul 2012 | ChatterBank

106 Answers

In the village of Answerbank Under the Wold (twinned with Slaughterville, Oklahoma), the streets were bustling with activity. With the River Cess dolphin (a.k.a. Divegirl) at home in bed ill with an attack of The Greurgs, Humbersloop had come up with a new money making idea.Queues of tourists lined the river bank waiting to use the new glass bottomed pedallo to view the newly discovered Coral Reef of the River Cess. The reef was in fact rocks painted in lurid day-glo colours to which Humbersloop had glued plastic tropical fish, normally associated with an ocean 5,000 miles away.She was being assisted by her father Seadogg who was visiting for the week. Seadogg was acting the part by shouting lots of "Ooh argh's" and "Me hearties" at the queue, whilst dressed in a naval uniform purchased from the village charity shop. No one had yet noticed the uniform was that of a Japanese Rear Admiral (circa 1943).
The empty shop on the high street had its windows whitewashed over and the villagers had no idea what it was going to be. The new owners, Towie and Dee-Sa seemed friendly enough (if a touch common), but rebuffed all enquires.
In the charity shop, which was staffed by the squire's spinster sisters, Lady Alex and Lady Janine (who today smelled faintly of horses and mildew), Tonyav was searching through the suit rack looking for something to wear for tonight's date with Murraymints.
"This will do nicely" he said as he emerged from the changing room. The suit was made from purple velvet, could be described as "1980's New Romantic meets Someone Who Never Owned a Mirror) and was only a few inches short in the legs and arms. "A wise choice sir" intoned LieinKing, the sister's general factotum and the person who did all the work in the shop. After changing back into his track suit bottoms and wife beater vest, Tonyav headed for the pub for a quick drink, carefully giving Tenrec's goats grazing on the village green a wide berth.
In the pub all eyes were on an impossibly glamourous woman at the bar. Tonyav gazed lustfully at her. She turned, smiled at him and in a deep baritone voice said "Hi there big boy, my name is Michaela." Tony immediately recognised her as his old school pal Mike1111 who had run off to Thailand at the age of 18 and was now rumoured to be lacking certain body parts he had been born with. The shock caused Tony to choke in earnest on his beer and as he fell to the floor he was caught by Murraymints. His last vision was of her homely face and cauliflower ears. Michaela/Mike pushed Murray out of the way and said "I'll deal with this." His first aid knowledge had been gleaned from watching one episode of Casualty in 1998. Deciding that Tonyav had stopped breathing, he began to administer mouth to mouth in a slightly laviscious manner. Tonyav awoke from his brief faint to the feel of stubble against his face but was unable to scream as a mouth was clamped firmly against his.
Just then a querulous voice said, "Mike1111, is that you son?"

(cue theme music as episode ends)