It's happened!

[icemaiden]

I knew the day would come but wasn't expecting it so soon.

My 10 year old daughter has asked about her "Biological" Dad. Who he is? Why did he leave? etc. He left when she was 3 months old. We were together for 15 years. He just left for work and never returned. I have never seen him or spoken to him since but I do know where he lives and that he is married.

I have been really honest with her. I have not slagged him off to her or anything like that. I loved her Dad very much and have told her that. I showed photos of him to her because she asked if I had any. I said that he couldn't support us and got scared. (Which I am guessing is the reason). The problem is now that she has asked me where he lives and that she wants to talk to him. I don't want to lie to her but at the same time I don't think meeting him yet would be a good idea. I think she is too young. And I am scared at what his reaction would be. I have not mentioned this to my current partner yet, he has been in our lives since she was 5 and she considers him as her Dad.

Any advice and experience from anyone would be so helpful right now.
Thanking you in advance.

[icemaiden]

I'm sorry to hear that Docspock.
My mother was adopted. A product of a GI and a very vulnerable 16 year old. We did find her Mum last year, but she denied ever having her! I think it really upset my Mum even though she didn't show it. I really felt for her. She knows nothing about her "roots".

[Kassee]

Always tell your little girl the truth - dont cover up things to protect her - tell her in language that she understands - but tell her the truth. You may have loved him, but her father walked out on you both when you needed him most - that is not slagging him off - that is the truth.

Saying that you loved him very much and that he got scared may paint quite a rosy picture for your daughter. The truth is he walked away from his 3 month old daughter and never looked back - hard as it is to accept - he is unreliable to say the least and this is the truth - your daughter must try to understand this - and you dont want her upset again - you are worried about her because you care about her - tell her this.

Talk to your partner first and get his support. You have two choices - help your daughter to contact him now or tell her that you feel she is too young at the moment, that you are worried about her getting hurt but that in a few years you will help her to contact him. Promise her this, and that may well be enough for now.

If you decide that now is the right time then tell your daughter that you know where "biological" dad lives and that a lot of time has gone by and he is married now and that you dont know how he will feel about contact with her. Explain to her, that if he doesnt want contact now, he may decide he wants contact in the future, so not to get her hopes up. None of you know how he will feel, so the best bet is a joint letter to him, you write it, let your daughter see it, read it and help you with it. Then wait and see what happens.

Explain to your little girl that her "real" Dad is the one that is looking after her every day, he loves her, and she does need to talk to him about it too.

Good luck - terrible thing to leave and never return - one day when she is older she will realize just how terrible that is - and it is you and her "present" Dad that have

[icemaiden]

Oh Kassee, thankyou for your answer. Sounds like you have experienced this situation. Your right in every respect. You have written exactly how I feel. I want to protect her but at the same time I know I have to be honest with her and so far I have. I know what he is like, unreliable is a very good word to sum him up. I have planned to talk to my current partner later tonight and then sit down with my daughter and discuss what she wishes to do. She knows I will support her as best I can.
I like the idea of a letter. I will suggest this to her.
Thanks again everyone. Means a lot to me.

[Kassee]

I haven't experienced exactly the same situation as you. Had an ex-partner that left me with children and just walked out and never came back in the same way, but my children were older at the time, not babies.

I also foster and have adopted a little girl, so I understand your need to protect your daughter from further pain in the future.

Once you establish contact - you will need to set ground rules - things may go well but equally they may not - maybe you will not like the influence this man may have on your daughter.

I hope it all goes well for you.