News0 min ago
friends
5 Answers
are you the kind of person that likes lots of friends who all know each other or the kind of person who likes just a few close separate friends?
im finding it quite difficult right now as im in an environment where all my new friends know each other as our husbands mainly work together, they have brought us to this town where we didnt know anyone initially and some will move on in time as hubbys contracts run out at different times. i came to realise that i wasnt coping well with people ringing me to do something cos then i felt bad that someone else hadnt been asked but then it wasnt me asking, also hearing that others had done things together but not asking me, fair enough. so yes ive come to the conclusion that i just cant cope with it all, im just not used to the group thing so any ideas that can help me to cope. the friends i left behind are all really close friends but dont know each other socially, do i have a problem, should i be worrying, in my mind there are just too many logistics going on, i just want an easy life! how do i cope with it all, its getting me down so much.
im finding it quite difficult right now as im in an environment where all my new friends know each other as our husbands mainly work together, they have brought us to this town where we didnt know anyone initially and some will move on in time as hubbys contracts run out at different times. i came to realise that i wasnt coping well with people ringing me to do something cos then i felt bad that someone else hadnt been asked but then it wasnt me asking, also hearing that others had done things together but not asking me, fair enough. so yes ive come to the conclusion that i just cant cope with it all, im just not used to the group thing so any ideas that can help me to cope. the friends i left behind are all really close friends but dont know each other socially, do i have a problem, should i be worrying, in my mind there are just too many logistics going on, i just want an easy life! how do i cope with it all, its getting me down so much.
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I understand how you feel - I have only ever had two or three close friends at a time, and I don;t find enjoyment in large groups of people together.
I do think you have to see this from a different perspective to help you deal with it.
The dynamics of inter-group relationships were all drawn and sorted before you arrived, so you really shouldn't fret about who includes whom or not when you are just a member of the group.
If you feel lost in a big group who know each other, why not develop a closer relationship with one or two of them - this should happen naturally, no point trying to force it.
Then you can see your closer friends individually, or perhaps a couple at a time, and do something you like to do, and then you'll find the bigger gatherings less stressful.
As the 'new kid on the block' it's very easy to feel left out and uncomfortable but you will settle down and relationships will ebb and flow with you, and around you.
If you don't take responsibility for everyone feeling OK, then you won't worry if things seem not to work. It is very easy to take on this burden if you are a sensitive caring soul, but the clue is there - you take it on yourself.
So drop it!
You'll feel a lot more relaxed, and the pressure you feel will start to vanish.
I do think you have to see this from a different perspective to help you deal with it.
The dynamics of inter-group relationships were all drawn and sorted before you arrived, so you really shouldn't fret about who includes whom or not when you are just a member of the group.
If you feel lost in a big group who know each other, why not develop a closer relationship with one or two of them - this should happen naturally, no point trying to force it.
Then you can see your closer friends individually, or perhaps a couple at a time, and do something you like to do, and then you'll find the bigger gatherings less stressful.
As the 'new kid on the block' it's very easy to feel left out and uncomfortable but you will settle down and relationships will ebb and flow with you, and around you.
If you don't take responsibility for everyone feeling OK, then you won't worry if things seem not to work. It is very easy to take on this burden if you are a sensitive caring soul, but the clue is there - you take it on yourself.
So drop it!
You'll feel a lot more relaxed, and the pressure you feel will start to vanish.
hi bubbles,this sounds to me like a group thing whereby because of your husband's career you & he have to make an appearance at gatherings & group meetings etc. to mix with others whether you want to or not.I would be horrified at this & I really feel for you, My late wife & I had a few mutual friends & neither of us were ever under pressure to do or go anywhere,so I really do know how you feel, but unfortunately this does not help you so I do hope that someone on this site will come up with something.Ron.
I am the sort of person who prefers just a few separate friends. I don't do well in large groups, especially if everyone else knows each other. If you go to functions where they are all there, just be yourself and talk to the people you feel comfortable with.
I would also suggest as you are new to the area, that you find out what is available and perhaps do something on your own. I am sure you don't have to be with them all the time.
Maybe take a class in something, or find a job, even if it is part time or voluntary. Whatever you do, try not to worry too much, after all some of them might have been in your position a while back.
If you can it would be good to talk to your husband, and explain how you feel.
Good luck and I hope you feel less down soon.
I would also suggest as you are new to the area, that you find out what is available and perhaps do something on your own. I am sure you don't have to be with them all the time.
Maybe take a class in something, or find a job, even if it is part time or voluntary. Whatever you do, try not to worry too much, after all some of them might have been in your position a while back.
If you can it would be good to talk to your husband, and explain how you feel.
Good luck and I hope you feel less down soon.
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