ChatterBank1 min ago
Do i let go?
16 Answers
My boyfriend of 4 years is giving me very mixed signals which is really getting me down. One day he is happy and tells me he loves me very much. Then the next he doesn't love me, hasn't for a long time and wants to move out! I love him very much but I cannot keep waking up each day wondering how he feels about our relationship. For instance this morning everything was fine between us loved up etc. then this afternoon whilst shopping he tells me he is moving out, he left over an hour ago and has switched his phone off. I have made a lot of changes in my life for him, I have helped raise his son for the past 4 years I work 48 hours a week to pay rent/shopping and never ask for anything in return. I just want him to be happy with me all the time instead of this drastic change of one day he loves me and the next he doesn't. I know i will get a lot of responses telling me to let him go but i love him very much and the thought of not having him in my life kills me :-( How do i make him happy??
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You can't make someone happy as no one person (or thing) is responsible for the happiness of another human being. Plus you don't sound all that happy yourself which is hardly suprising given the constant state of flux you're in. He's not being fair to you.
The thought does not kill you, it hurts a hell of a lot but ultimately you will get over him and move on. Easy to say, hard to do but is generally what happens with 99% of break ups out there. You'll be in bits for a while but when you start to mend you can look for a partner who's as interested in making you happy as you are in making them happy.
The thought does not kill you, it hurts a hell of a lot but ultimately you will get over him and move on. Easy to say, hard to do but is generally what happens with 99% of break ups out there. You'll be in bits for a while but when you start to mend you can look for a partner who's as interested in making you happy as you are in making them happy.
Regardless of how he would see it, he is playing power games with you. One minute he loves you, the next he wants out. He may love you but he is being selfish not taking your feelings into account. What will you do when he comes back as he surely is going to do, will he just expect you to pick up where he left off?
And I say where he left off and not you both because it seems as though you are just expected to happily go along with it all. Has he walked out before? If so, have you just taken him back? He cannot keep playing with your emotions like this. You say you want to make him happy, but what about you? Do you not matter?
I know it is going to hurt, but you know what you have to do and that is to call it a day or you will continue in this way for a long time before you finally have had enough of it.
Best wishes, Sue
And I say where he left off and not you both because it seems as though you are just expected to happily go along with it all. Has he walked out before? If so, have you just taken him back? He cannot keep playing with your emotions like this. You say you want to make him happy, but what about you? Do you not matter?
I know it is going to hurt, but you know what you have to do and that is to call it a day or you will continue in this way for a long time before you finally have had enough of it.
Best wishes, Sue
Thank you for your responses. Im just so weak, In my head i think who is he to mess with my emotions like this, but my heart tells me to keep trying and he mite realise what he has. Not to sound at all big headed but I am an attractive girl only 23 and have a great career ahead of me but I am constantly at his beacon call! Yes Sue, I do carry on like nothing has happened because I stupidly think to myself he's back I can try harder to make him happy and for a day or week it works...then again he will turn around and say he isn't happy with me, doesn't love me and wants to move out! He can be so kind, generous, supportive and loving at times, then in the blink of an eye he calls me fat, lazy and hopeless! I dont see any reason for him to be depressed, he has a lovely home with me, a good job and lots of friends and family. Which makes me think maybe it IS me who is bringing him down?
Sounds like neither of you are happy so the best solution for both of you is to concentrate on making yourselves happy which, in the circumstances, may well mean you both move on and do your own thing.
I had a bit of this with my recent ex as he had issues about getting into a relationship so soon after his marriage ended. Me trying to make him happy was, in the end, fruitless as it was him who needed to make himself happy before he could move on.
Yes it's horrible at first, it hurts like hell and my emotions have been up and down like a bloody yo yo over the past month or so but it does get better.
You start to be able to re-examine your life and your wants and needs. It's difficult to do at first as you're so used to having someone else in your life and impacting on your thoughts and feelings and actions.
One thing that really helped me was trying to get a balance back due to a fantastic lady I had some talking therapy with.
There are many parts to you, big bear (responsibilities and sensible grown up things), middle bear (parental and caring things) and little bear (your childlike side).
Keeping them in a balance is important as once one takes over (eg little bear goes off in a childlike tantrum as she's hurt) then other parts struggle with it (eg big responsible bear).
Another thing was finding 4 words to describe how you want to feel this time next year, feelings rather than things you want to be doing etc... then find a couple of words which describes those words and one that links them all. It's a fantastic benchmark when trying to decide what you should do especially if your emotions are running riot.
I had a bit of this with my recent ex as he had issues about getting into a relationship so soon after his marriage ended. Me trying to make him happy was, in the end, fruitless as it was him who needed to make himself happy before he could move on.
Yes it's horrible at first, it hurts like hell and my emotions have been up and down like a bloody yo yo over the past month or so but it does get better.
You start to be able to re-examine your life and your wants and needs. It's difficult to do at first as you're so used to having someone else in your life and impacting on your thoughts and feelings and actions.
One thing that really helped me was trying to get a balance back due to a fantastic lady I had some talking therapy with.
There are many parts to you, big bear (responsibilities and sensible grown up things), middle bear (parental and caring things) and little bear (your childlike side).
Keeping them in a balance is important as once one takes over (eg little bear goes off in a childlike tantrum as she's hurt) then other parts struggle with it (eg big responsible bear).
Another thing was finding 4 words to describe how you want to feel this time next year, feelings rather than things you want to be doing etc... then find a couple of words which describes those words and one that links them all. It's a fantastic benchmark when trying to decide what you should do especially if your emotions are running riot.
If you think there are loads of things holding you back, make a list and think realistically why you can't do them on your own. Resist things which link you to your partner which is very easy to do.
For example, when I was thinking about moving on (currently still live with ex) I'd think (what I now see as daft things) like how I'd miss Sky or habing access to a car or having someone around and living so close to work etc...
When I think about them logically, many of them are rubbish as I can move where I want (have been checking out properties), learn to drive (booked my theory test and enquired about driving lessons last week), can get Sky myself etc...
I miss intimacy but it's not like I won't have another, probably better, relationship.
I've also been neglecting my social life and creative side so have got my art materials out and planning some photography trips, am going to join a local choir, maybe some art classes and get involved with voluntary and charity work again.
I'm now excited about moving on and don't have anywhere near enough time or headspace to lament about a former relationship :)
One thing though, don't do it as a "sod you" to him, do things for you, even if that means keeping it to yourself or telling friends rather than him.
I hope you find happiness :) x
For example, when I was thinking about moving on (currently still live with ex) I'd think (what I now see as daft things) like how I'd miss Sky or habing access to a car or having someone around and living so close to work etc...
When I think about them logically, many of them are rubbish as I can move where I want (have been checking out properties), learn to drive (booked my theory test and enquired about driving lessons last week), can get Sky myself etc...
I miss intimacy but it's not like I won't have another, probably better, relationship.
I've also been neglecting my social life and creative side so have got my art materials out and planning some photography trips, am going to join a local choir, maybe some art classes and get involved with voluntary and charity work again.
I'm now excited about moving on and don't have anywhere near enough time or headspace to lament about a former relationship :)
One thing though, don't do it as a "sod you" to him, do things for you, even if that means keeping it to yourself or telling friends rather than him.
I hope you find happiness :) x
Hi ray, you wont like what I have to say. You are giving too much to your relationship. When a person is desperate to keep someone in a relationship it can be very destructive. You will lose your soul. No matter what lengths you go to, it will never be enough. He will leave / comeback/ leave / comeback. You will eventually reach a 'crisis' point, a very depressing place to be, when you 'get' that it's actually all in vain. A realisation that you can't 'keep' this person forever. When that happens, you will be ready to move on. There is someone out there willing to give to 'you' equally and then you will know what proper love is all about. Take care xxx
Ditto all of the above!
Read over what you have put! What would you say to a friend if they said the same to you? He sounds very selfish and seems to know he has a hold over you and just makes sure by behaving this way.
When does it stop? When do you finally start to feel secure in your relationship and not treading on egg shells trying to make him happy?
Listen to yourself, how do I make him happy? How does he make you happy by treating you this way? Your not bringing him down, HE is bringing you down.
Read over what you have put! What would you say to a friend if they said the same to you? He sounds very selfish and seems to know he has a hold over you and just makes sure by behaving this way.
When does it stop? When do you finally start to feel secure in your relationship and not treading on egg shells trying to make him happy?
Listen to yourself, how do I make him happy? How does he make you happy by treating you this way? Your not bringing him down, HE is bringing you down.
This is classic manipultive, controlling behaviour. He's playing power games and in your heart of hearts I think you know this. When he next threatens to leave offer to help him pack! I'm sorry to sound heartless but I have been on the reciving end of this sort of behaviour and it doesn't improve. You are worth far more than that and you don't need him bringing you down like this. It will hurt like hell at first but one day you will realise what a negative force he is in your life. Good luck
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You must get on with your life and let him get on with his. He sounds a miserable b*gger to me, and how DARE he take so much from you and give nothing back. You have given him enough- concentrate on YOU from now on. Work on your career and go out and have some FUN! Honestly, you will look back on this and wonder why you endured it for so long.
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