advice please!

[Mooria]

Can anyone help, i am a young female leader in Scouts, and just over a year ago, i fell for one of the lads that i was in charge of. He was 16, and i was 27. NOTHING ever happened and he never knew. He has since left for various reasons. But i can't stop thinking about him, like all the time. But i am thinking that i should maybe leave Scouts, i really love going and i have a great relationship with the other leaders and boys, but i can't get this guy out of my head and am not sure if it is right for me to carry on with helping out when i developed such strong feelings for one of the lads in my care. What does anyones else think, should i leave.

[Presario]

You are 27 and fell in love with a boy!!!!!!

I think that is very odd and a little creepy, but at least you had the decency not to act on your feelings. I think you should leave the Scout group as next time you "fall in love" with a boy, you may not be able to stop yourself abusing him, because that's what it would be - ABUSE!

[redcrx]

Presario is right, you really ought to leave regardless of whether anything physical happened between you and this boy or not. You are in a position of responsibility for these children and should never be in the situation where you need to question your feelings about a child in your care.
It is good to note though that you did not act on your feelings.

[merdok]

No I'm sorry I think thats a little harsh, whilst I agree that it is not good on a professional level to date someone in her care from a Legal and Moral standpoint there is nothing wrong with in, in the UK the legal age of consent is 16, therefore even if she had a sexual relationship with him she would not have broken the law.

The fact is you did not act on your feelings, people dont fall in love with just anyone and as long as you can differentiate between love and lust and learn to not act on the latter and consider the consequences on acting on 'love' then there is no reason to leave a job you love.

but Presarion and redcrx are both wrong, it would not be abuse and a 16 year old is a young man and not a child (despite how immature they might be)

[China Doll]

I tend to agree with Merdoks take on it all in that it's not against the law and not something I would necessarily consider abuse. However, he is still very young and very immature, remember how you were when you were 16? He has a lot of growing up to do and I think you need to leave him alone and find someone closer to your own age.

While age gaps can work in relationships there is not an equality in this one in my opinion.

On another level, would there be a reason why you were attracted to someone a lot younger than yourself? How's you confidence and self esteem? These questions aren't meant to sound harsh or patronizing but generally, when we make bad decisions there's usually an underlying reason why that needs looking at. If you did decide to go for the lad I think that would be a bad decision.

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, you should leave immediately. The fact that you have thoughts of this 'boy' makes it almost impossible for you to continue in that job. Obviously there is something wrong in your social life, which only you can answer. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but you shouldnt be around kids with thoughts like that. the fact that nothing happened, means nothing. The intention was still there. What happens if you fall for another young lad, but this time he starts coming onto you? I think your treading on very dodgy turf. For your own sake and safety, your better off leaving for now until you understand yourself...

[Mooria]

Thanks for you advice, even though some of it was a little harsh. I do stress that Nothing happened and nothing would have happened. - and now i don't even see him, it is over a year since i last saw him and even longer since this happened. ( i am now 29) I agree with China Doll, i think that i lot of this is down to my self esteem and confidence as i have none. and i guess i fell for him, because i KNEW that nothing could ever happen between us. I guess that is another story. But thanks again for you advice. I am going to talk to my minister and see what his advice is.

[MrBen5]

Well done Mooria, you accept that you have a problem. Its good that you are good enough to talk about it to your minister too. I apologise if i came across a bit harsh. I do think though that your emotions are all over the place at the moment and i hope you overcome any issues you may have. Good luck...

[Richard Spud]

Merdok is correct about the age of consent. However I understand that the Sexual Offences (Amendment) Act 2000 provides that a person in a postion of trust to a person under 18 can commit an offence by having intercourse or sexual activity. I believe section 4(7) would impose the position of trust on a scout leader. Obvioulsy Mooria acted correctly in not pursuing her emotions in this regard.

[Roughquest]

I met my first husband when he has just left school, he was 16 and I was 23! We were married for 12 years thanks Nothing wrong in that at all.

We cant help who we fall for at the end of the day quite simply but I do understand the position you are/were in.

Mooria - did this guy ever give you any signals that he was interested in you in any way at all?

[Ethel]

Mooria - I believe you are perfectly normal and are brave enough to face your feelings. A lot of young adults who work with teenagers experience this exact thing.

It is time to recognise it for what it is and put it all behind you. Carry on with the Scouts. I doubt very much the same thing will happen again - precisely because you are now very aware that it can happen.

You have done nothing wrong. Don't let this cloud the rest of your life.

Scouts have some connection with the Church. If you are able, it would do you good to confide in the vicar. He will have heard it all before.

Good luck!

[Gef]

I think Ethel has given the best advice although I would only talk to somebody about it if you are quite comforable with that, You did nothing wrong. Every now and then we have feelings for other people which are hard to explain but that does not make them wrong. The fact that you are aware that it would be wrong for anything to happen shows that you are aware of your responsibilities. Keep going and ignore the earlier replies.

[joko]

some 16 years olds can be very mature and look and behave like men - but also many can look like skinny little children - i assume this one was like the former?

if so, i don't think there is a problem with yo working there as you have no attraction to "boys" but men as this boy looked like a man - however, if the boy was quite clearly young boy and looked like a child, i would suggest there is a reason to take a step back, as even though legally 16 is of age, your attarction to youths could become illegal if this boy is replaced by a mature 14 year old for instance

[curiosity]

I feel for you, I think that the first answers have been over reactions, however, are potentially the responses of people in your community or in the scout group, so only share this if you are confident of your ability to argue your stance, otherwise you might cause more hassle and upset than is needed. Richard Spud brings up the law that could give credibility to people's perceptions of your intent, and twist it. I agree with joko on the physical side, and your attraction is not perverted. I also think that your ability to reflect on your feelings and to maintain the boundaries required of your role despite these is commendable. I think you should carry on with scouts if you enjoy it, I also think that reflecting on this situation will make it less likely to happen again. Unless you have many other social outlets you enjoy, don't give up this one and dwell on something that could happen to anyone, it could affect you for life. Stick with it if you want to. Good Luck

[Richard Spud]

Curiosity rounds it up nicely and in a supportive and caring manner. Only YOU know what you feel about this situation and your own morals will dicate how you respond should future incidents arise. You do not appear to pose a threat to the young people you help or care for, but yes some might seize on the under 18 law to expand on anything other than a professional relationship with your Scouts. Best wishes for the future and discussing this will prove useful to you in comming to terms with your feelings.

[Mooria]

Just thought you might like to know that i have spoken to my minister about this, and we have agreed that this is an isolated incident, and i pose no risk to the boys in my care. He sees my interation with the boys regualry, and i go every sunday to the church, and he see how i interact with the boys that are currently in my care. - and he has no concerns. He feels that alot of this maybe due my self esteem and confidence. of which i have none,. He also feels that this attraction may have come from the Fact that i was raped, a while ago. and my falling for someone that, there was no way of getting physical with. It was a way of preventing anyone else (of the same age) getting close. and protecting my self. He thanked me for coming to him ( and i am glad that i did). and we are seeing each other on a weekly basis (kinda of Conusilling) to keep in contact and for me to be able to discuss anything else with him. I would also like to point out that i have had no further feelings for any other boys in my care, and am unlikely too, as they are all very immuture. and i am more aware now. I have also not seen the bloke at the centre of this for a number of months - and he still doesn't know how i felt.

Thanks for all you advice, Good and Bad. I am sure it helped, certainly the thought that somebody would think that i was capable of some kind of abuse. encouraged me to speak to my minister. So thanks.

[Ethel]

Good for you!

I'm sure this is a major turning point for you and you are on your way to coming to terms with your dreadful ordeal.

I wish you well in both your Scout work and your personal life.