Useful Tips

[bobjugs12]

1) Don't eat yellow snow
2) Never tell your (now ex) partner during a drunken argument "I may be an *** but i'll sober up, you'll always be a fat ugly munter"
3) If you feel the urge to vomit out of a moving vehicle make sure you face away from the direction of travel
4) Don't p1ss on an electric fence

.....carry on....

[gingejbee]

Never put specs down on a chair or the floor.

[ummmm]

Always remember your partners name....

[mrs_overall]

If you feel sick on fairground rides, don't be sat at the front with a load of the travelling fraternity in the carriages behind you.

I've never run so fast in all my life

[cazzz1975]

dont feel tempted to doze after the alarm clock goes off in the morning

[bobjugs12]

Never send kinky texts to your partners Mum by mistake

[society]

The computer (Internet) is a stealer of time.

[mccfluff]

don't read rude texts whilst trying to have a sensible convo with an md :-(

[Davethedog]

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

[Davethedog]

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

[craft1948]

^ pmsl.....so you think every single female over 30 is gagging for it Dave?

[mrs_overall]

Men - if the lady in your life points out that you are rarely romantic and asks you to say something nice, don't use the romantic line Mr Overall used:

"Your Yorkshire puddings are better than my mothers"

[NazNomad]

If you're over 40, never trust a fart.

[Davethedog]

Only those that want to go on 18-30 holidays Crafty :-)

[anneasquith]

lol......naz.

[Davethedog]

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.


All of these are from Viz by the by

[anneasquith]

always read the label before using suppositories!

[rowanwitch]

give generously to charities you may need yourself one day call it an investment

[MickyMacgraw]

My useful tips are stock up on Vitamins c and zinc as well as cough medicines, nasal inhalers, vicks vapour rub as well as pomegranate juice, canned soups, lemsip , veg that can be used for stews and chilli peppers for the inevitable wave of bugs and flu that will no doubt hit you or family members this winter.
I always have these items at home that way if you are made Ill you can hit the bug/flu back hard before it takes full effect and don't have to leave the house.

[ummmm]

Micky...there was another poster who suffered just like you :-) I think he was banned though...

[MickyMacgraw]

I actually only suffer a rough bout of flu once a year and I had that in summer. I like to keep all my vitamins and armoury around me just to have all the bases covered as you never know.