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Some jokes for the Scottish AB members ...

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wolf63 | 19:10 Mon 28th Nov 2011 | Jokes
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Jokes only understood in Scotland

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe..

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for
the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when
he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies
'Aye, same as masel...


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Ah Wolf man - oldies but still made me chuckle
The ones I get are funny:-)
You're right - I didn't understand all of them. But as Missprim said the ones I understood were funny.
Why am I speaking scottish while reading these? I dinna get them all but the ones I did were good.
Hi Wolf, I'm sure you've already heard the following but just in case you haven't....... A man goes into a baker's shop and says to the woman behind the counter "is that a doughnut or a meringue?" The woman replies " Naw you're right, it's a doughnut".
A man goes into a butcher's shop in winter. The butcher is standing with his back to an electric bar fire. The man says "is that your Ayrshire bacon?". The butcher replies, "naw, it's ma hands am warmin'".
Sorry, I know they're oldies.
Question Author
Janbee - they are all good. I am proud of the fact that there isn't one anti English joke amongst them. ;-)
Can someone explain the one about "couldn't get the fare" please - that one's beyond me.

Good chuckles!
The first two weeks in Agust are known as the 'fair fortnight'.
I never remember which way round it is, the Glasgow Fair, is the last 2 weeks of July, the first 2 in August is Paisley Fair.
In days gone by, indutries closed for 2 weeks to let the great unwashed have some breathing space.
ps Loved the jokes Wolf (and yours too Jan)

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Some jokes for the Scottish AB members ...

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