Sensitive Dilemma

[Barmaid]

I have been helping someone online with some ancestry dna.  She was trying to find her partner's father and her son's grandfather.  I've done all the research (and it is pretty well backed up) and I have narrowed down the likely father to two individuals (brothers).  Unfortunately, both of these individuals were married at the time and still are.

I cannot just blank her.  On the one hand, her partner and child would like to know who their father/grandfather is, on the other hand, it could destroy the marriage/family of the father if a previously unknown child appears!  I have asked that no approach is made for now, since apart from anything a further DNA test is needed to ascertain which of the two is the father and I am in touch  with a son of one of them.  I have to consider how to deal with that one too!

Any ideas?  Apart from faking my own death?

[barry1010]

Is this in a professional capacity or for a friend? 

[Barmaid]

Oh no, in a personal capacity and because there is a DNA link.

[Cloverjo]

Maybe you could say you're snowed under with work, and haven't got time to dig any deeper. Give her the info you have and let her decide if she wants to go further. 

[barry1010]

Tricky.  Is emigration an option? 

Really you should tell this lady what you have discovered and let her decide what to do with it. 

They are not children, you are not responsible for the fact a married man had sex with a woman who was not his wife.

Digging up the past often rattles skeletons.

[TheWinner]

Just tell her you have tried really hard to find out, but have drawn a blank.

[Barmaid]

Without going into a long and boring story, I'd already (unwittingly) narrowed it down to a particular branch of the family which  I had disclosed to her.  It might be that she does not work this out - although the questions she has asked me makes me think she might have done.  I've managed to divert attention elsewhere for now.

I shall discuss with my mother tomorrow since it concerns two of her cousins.  Either way, I'm going to be in a tricky position!!

[Smowball]

Oh blimey barmaid! What does the partner currently know/ of believe to know about his alleged father? Does he think he disappeared etc? 

[Barmaid]

Partner is estranged from his mother who has never disclosed his father's identity.

[jennyjoan]

If I was as ill as you and hubbie were I would leave DEOXYRIBONUCLEI ACID alone. Hope I spelt that right

[Barmaid]

JJ, I need some respite and my family tree is that.  Whilst I fell over a fence last week and then fell over a cat chasing a mouse this week, I'm not ill, I'm just a bit knackered.  This stops me thinking about work.

[Smowball]

Is there any chance that you could possibly, just possibly, be wrong??

[Barmaid]

No, unfortunately.  From the amount of DNA and shared matches, I could identify the most recent common ancestor.  Thereafter, because of my intimate knowledge of the family and DNA shared with other matches, and the fact that the other children were female (and hence unable to father children) my conclusions are inescapable.  

[Smowball]

Oh dear. Am guessing this is someone close to you or some form of relative in some way. I think I 'd speak to your mother as you suggested earlier & get her thoughts on all of this. At least you will have shared the burden if nothing else. 

[jno]

I'd just say "I have some upsetting news, do you want to hear it?"

[Smowball]

Fair enough jno - this person did indeed ask barmaid to get answers, she didnt guarantee that they were ones that would want to be heard did she. 

[Auntypoll]

Who has done all these DNA tests? Surely the two potential fathers would have had to agree to DNA tests? I think you need to think what you would want to happen if it was your family and go from there. Peronally I would bring my friend up to date on all findings, but say as its so sensitive a subject you feel you would be intruding on family privacy and you don't feel comfortable taking it any further. I'm still wondering how you are going to get DNA samples from the two potential fathers. 

[Ellipsis]

Is there a chance that your friend had suspicions and that's why she asked you to help?

[andres]

If they are your mother's cousins surely that makes them your relatives?

[bhg481]

I was born at the end of the war and adopted, so it doesn't take much thinking to guess at my parentage. I always knew I was adopted and there is a curiosity about my parents but I feel that the risk of breaking up one or two marriages is not a good reason to satisfy my curiosity. I would certainly not take your research any further.

[Hymie]

If you tell her of the two possible fathers – then surely it would be her/her partner’s decision as to whether they want to take it further (and not your responsibility).

 

Personally if I was advised that my father (unknown to me) had fathered me while they were married (and still in that marriage) I would not want to do anything that might jeopardise that marriage.