Do I Message Him Or Let Him Message Me?
Family & Relationships0 min ago
help me please rights of paying
Hi, when i was 17 i was with my first girlfriend and our relationship lasted 16 months. throughout the relationship my partner was unfaithful at times but we stayed together as i believed at the time she loved me an it was real. at the end of our relationship i found out she had cheated yet again so we split. months later she contacted me saying she was pregnant and that i was the father.
Being shocked at the time i told her that i would only accept responsibility if a test proved i was the genuine father as it was unsure due to the antics and her ways.
She refused to do this and i attempted to persuade her several times and in the end i lost contact and she refused to answer and moved on.
That was 8 years ago..
last month i recieved a letter from the CSA stating that i was apparently the father of the child "known as William" and that they were seeking maintenance. Of course i sent the letter back saying there was no proof an i would like a dna test before we went any further.
I have since found out she has now got 4 children and is living with someone.
i have always lived in the same place and the telephone number is always been the same.
My questions are these.
How come she has got in contact suddenly after 8 years demanding money when she could of easily done it in the past eight years.?
if it does become true that i am the father where do i stand for paying as i have lost out on the 8 main years of the childs life?
How can she get away with this?
Where do i stand with payments? do they take bills into consideration ? i am currently attempting to save up for a marriage for my partner of 6 years which she is finding very upsetting and stressful as we are trying to start our own family and wont be able to afford it if they do manage to get money off me?
any help would be appreciated
Being shocked at the time i told her that i would only accept responsibility if a test proved i was the genuine father as it was unsure due to the antics and her ways.
She refused to do this and i attempted to persuade her several times and in the end i lost contact and she refused to answer and moved on.
That was 8 years ago..
last month i recieved a letter from the CSA stating that i was apparently the father of the child "known as William" and that they were seeking maintenance. Of course i sent the letter back saying there was no proof an i would like a dna test before we went any further.
I have since found out she has now got 4 children and is living with someone.
i have always lived in the same place and the telephone number is always been the same.
My questions are these.
How come she has got in contact suddenly after 8 years demanding money when she could of easily done it in the past eight years.?
if it does become true that i am the father where do i stand for paying as i have lost out on the 8 main years of the childs life?
How can she get away with this?
Where do i stand with payments? do they take bills into consideration ? i am currently attempting to save up for a marriage for my partner of 6 years which she is finding very upsetting and stressful as we are trying to start our own family and wont be able to afford it if they do manage to get money off me?
any help would be appreciated
Answers
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Your ex-girlfriend will have to prove you are the father of this poor child before she can claim any money from you via the CSA. I say poor because she seems not to be a very responsible mother. You must demand a DNA test is done and refuse any payment until this is proven. Go to the Citizens Advice Bureau in your area and have them help you. It won't cost you anything and they will know of specialist solicitors who deal with these matters. If you are on a low income, you may well get legal aid, should you come to require legal help. You may well not be the father of this child, but if is proven that you are, then I am afraid you will have to pay up. You may also however be able to get a court order to allow you access to the child. It will be hard to make up these lost years, but if you are the father, at least try. I feel so sorry for both you and your present partner, as this is terribly unfair to both of you. But if you are strong, you will get through this and cope with whatever situation arises. Just hang in there and don't let it get between the two of you. It is obvious that your ex is seeking money as she has a lot of kids to feed and is probably struggling. If you are not the father, this is not your problem though and she should then leave you alone. Good luck, I do really hope this works out the way you wish it to.
sorry but she told you prior to the child's birth you were it's father and now you are moaning about missing out on 8 years?She probably wants nothing to do with you and that's why she's not been in touch. If her circumstances have changed and she suddenly has to claim to benefit they'll ask her who the father is and when she tells them you, THEY, not she, get in touch, hence you may have had the letter.
If she told you you were the father, you had the choice to accept it or not. You chose not to because she refused, as is her right, to have a DNA test. Her motives may have been she was unsure you were the father, or she may have been offended, I don't know, but you can hardly be indignant since she told you 8 years ago you were the baby's father and you chose not to accept it.
If she told you you were the father, you had the choice to accept it or not. You chose not to because she refused, as is her right, to have a DNA test. Her motives may have been she was unsure you were the father, or she may have been offended, I don't know, but you can hardly be indignant since she told you 8 years ago you were the baby's father and you chose not to accept it.
As far as I know if you are the babys father then the maintenance calculation will start from when the mother applied for it.
Definately proceed with caution. My brothers ex girlfriend had a baby and the CSA were contacted as the ex had to go onto benefits. I suggested he have a DNA test first, as she had admitted to cheating...I didn't want my brother parting with any money until he was sure. Lo & behold, he wasn't the father, however the CSA were willing to assess him on the mothers word he was the father ~ and the poor guy was just about to hand over a shed load of cash.
If your ex is on benefits, the CSA will want the cash to relieve the state benefit debt. If you are not on the birth certificate as the father you must have the DNA test done.
If it proves you are the father then you will have to pay maintenance, and maybe start building a relationship with your child?
Definately proceed with caution. My brothers ex girlfriend had a baby and the CSA were contacted as the ex had to go onto benefits. I suggested he have a DNA test first, as she had admitted to cheating...I didn't want my brother parting with any money until he was sure. Lo & behold, he wasn't the father, however the CSA were willing to assess him on the mothers word he was the father ~ and the poor guy was just about to hand over a shed load of cash.
If your ex is on benefits, the CSA will want the cash to relieve the state benefit debt. If you are not on the birth certificate as the father you must have the DNA test done.
If it proves you are the father then you will have to pay maintenance, and maybe start building a relationship with your child?
As somebody who has had many dealings with the incompetent CSA over many years - struggling to get money from my ex husband, I can tell you these things are based purley on how it operates and not on my actual moral belief here. (I agree with nox)
If you are on benefits, then the CSA will catch up with you ...and fast. If you are in employment, they will catch up with you .....eventually. If you are self employed, then congratulations, it is too difficult for them to do anything as they are a bunch of incompetent fools!
None the less, do not, never, ever, on pain of death, hand over even one penny until parentage if proven.
If you are on benefits, then the CSA will catch up with you ...and fast. If you are in employment, they will catch up with you .....eventually. If you are self employed, then congratulations, it is too difficult for them to do anything as they are a bunch of incompetent fools!
None the less, do not, never, ever, on pain of death, hand over even one penny until parentage if proven.
Check this out its rather disturbing: http://www.childsupportanalysis.co.uk/analysis _and_opinion/politics_and_lobbying/suicide_and _the_csa.htm
You have to remember i was only 17 at the time?i was young and my head was messed up due to my partners inability to stay faithful. i was unsure on anything at that age. i also attempted to contact her myself attempting to get this sorted. but it was if she vanished of the face of the earth. her parents moved not long after and no one knew the new address.
its shocked me because at the time i needed a dna cos she admitted t osleeping with other people so how could i accept it was mine she she couldnt even guarantee it to herself?.
i would of stood by her and paid my way for the baby from the start if i knew it was 100 per cent mine.
its shocked me because at the time i needed a dna cos she admitted t osleeping with other people so how could i accept it was mine she she couldnt even guarantee it to herself?.
i would of stood by her and paid my way for the baby from the start if i knew it was 100 per cent mine.
Firstly, you wont be on the birth certificate because unmarried parents must register the birth together.
Secondly, I know of incidences where a mother has said that she did not know the father of the child and the benefits agency can do very little to change this and have to pay without claiming from the father. So this woman appears to have given your name when it would not have been unreasonable after 8 years for her to say she didnt know who the father was.
You will have to pay for the DNA testing and will only be refunded if it is proved you are not the father.
I do appreciate that you were young and mixed up but if you were old enough to know what you were doing then I am afriad you have to take the consequences of the action.
Secondly, I know of incidences where a mother has said that she did not know the father of the child and the benefits agency can do very little to change this and have to pay without claiming from the father. So this woman appears to have given your name when it would not have been unreasonable after 8 years for her to say she didnt know who the father was.
You will have to pay for the DNA testing and will only be refunded if it is proved you are not the father.
I do appreciate that you were young and mixed up but if you were old enough to know what you were doing then I am afriad you have to take the consequences of the action.
I also agree with nox.
You def. need to find out if you are the father first and you and you should be prepared if you are.
You cant say if he is i wont be able to afford to get married or start a new family as there is probably 8 yrs of things that your ex hasnt been able to afford. A lot of men dont pay maintenance because of the system and try to pay as little as possible when they do which is moraly wrong. If it turns out you are the father you have to look to the future, yes cheating on you was wrong but she was young and by the sounds has paid the price by not having your support through a young pregnancy and she can't blame you as she knows deep down she was wrong so if it does turn out your the father look to the future and try not to blame one another, life is too short.
You def. need to find out if you are the father first and you and you should be prepared if you are.
You cant say if he is i wont be able to afford to get married or start a new family as there is probably 8 yrs of things that your ex hasnt been able to afford. A lot of men dont pay maintenance because of the system and try to pay as little as possible when they do which is moraly wrong. If it turns out you are the father you have to look to the future, yes cheating on you was wrong but she was young and by the sounds has paid the price by not having your support through a young pregnancy and she can't blame you as she knows deep down she was wrong so if it does turn out your the father look to the future and try not to blame one another, life is too short.
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, I can see why you reacted as you did when she initially told you and I can understands Nox's reaction but as other said definatey go for the DNA test, if it proves positive then tell her you want contact rights to William. This may or may not put her off persuing her claim but if she is on benefits the decision won't be hers. I also agree with Le Chats view of the CSA and my ex became self employed just to avoid paying me anything and he hasn't done for 9 years even though he is a wealthy man. We don't care, my son knowes who provides for him, he wants nothing to do with his father and we manage just fine. You have to decide what you want your son (if he is) to think of you when he growes up and act accordingly now
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