Parenting Advice Please

[bednobs]

my daughter is nearly 12.

She has been at secondary school for a term and a half.

She is a rule follwer, but has trouble organising herself and is a last-minuter.

there is a huge requirement for homework in the 'new' school but i am having terrible trouble getting her to do it, having to resort to taking htings away till it's done, including her tea.

My husband asked if we should perhaps stop going on about the homework, and let her fail and accept the consequences.  What do you think

[jourdain2]

I'm a retired teacher and also the mother of 2 daughters, who were good at getting homework etc. done.  I established a routine at home-time. They kept their uniforms on and sat at the kitchen table doing their homework while I got on with making a meal etc..  They each had a glass of milk and a biscuit to fend off hunger pangs until mealtime.  When finished, they changed out of uniform --- the working day was over.  

I now have 2 granddaughters, who follow much the same sort of routine. one just started at Warwick Uni. last yr. reading English Lit..  I also have a  bolshie, slobby grandson who is very bright but is in constant trouble for not doing his homework in time - or legibly.  His mum - and all the rest of his family including me, supported the teachers 100% when they applied punishments and detentions. So he was really out on a limb.

Now in Yr.9 he has realised that working actually matters - he has been refused permission by his school to sit one GCSE he really wanted to do.  His writing is still appallingly untidy, but the homework gets done.

If home can't do the trick then home plus school working together can.  Good luck.  :)

[naomi24]

Is there not an after-school facility for students to stay behind and do their homework?  Failing that, I would insist that she knuckles down to it as soon as she gets home.  The quicker she does it the more time she will have to herself.  I certainly don't think you should give in to her and allow her to fail.  That would teach her a lesson but not one she would learn until later in life when she's scrubbing floors for a living.

[Peter Pedant]

good advice J - thx

[Khandro]

I think it is important that she feels she is doing the homework as her choice & not a meaningless hoop she has to jump through, but you need to help her make that right choice - which is obviously, to do it.

She needs to understand that there is some real purpose to it for what will come beyond her situation at this moment.

Ask her where she would like to be in say 10 years time, would she be happy working on a check-out at Tesco, or prefer to be in one of the professions, maybe medicine or law or whatever.

Has she got any inkling about what she might want to be as an adult?

Which of her subjects does she like the best might be a good start.

 

[Neveracrossword]

I'd try to introduce some choice - ie you daughter can opt to do the homework straight  after school, before tea or after tea...but it would have to be done. I'd remind her too that she can choose to get the least-liked subjects out of the way first, or tackle any favourites (which might put her in a good mood once she gets started!).

[Khandro]

I should add to my "maybe medicine or law or whatever." above, that even if she would like to go to art school she will need some qualifications.

[Auntypoll]

I don't think taking away her tea is going to do much good, a grumpy hungry child is not ging to work at her best. I've always found routine works best and what jourdain says is good advice, if an adult is at home when she arrives back from school. Every child is of course different but don't give in and let her fail as you are the adult and you will be failing your child. One should never 'resort' to discipline, it should be a threat that hovers but is seldom needed. Nip this in the bud, as at twelve things are going to get much worse before they get better 😄

[Khandro]

12 ! I misread it that she was 14, there is a difference. Though I think you can still talk about the future.

[bednobs]

when i say let her fail, i mean get a detention for not doing it once, so she can see those consequences, not let her fail in education of course :)

 

[andres]

Do any of her schoolmates live nearby? You could ask them over for tea and a get together homework session. Just until she gets into some kind of a routine. 

[Auntypoll]

ok bednobs, understood, yes she needs to realise there are consequences of her actions. 

[Neveracrossword]

Bednobs, that  - your daughter doing a detention - sounds reasonable in theory, but what if she doesn't mind doing it and would prefer it next time round?

[JinnyJoan]

My neighbour who was standing beside her son was telling me that he said a naughty word in school - school told him to take the next day off school.  Son to me went "Happy Days".  

[jno]

the after-school facility naomi mentions is the best way - the son of a friend of mine used to have that option and made the most of it; no such thing at the school my son attended and he was always a bit disorganised.

For myself, I used to spend the evening on the phone to classmates (we lived too far apart to actually visit each other) going over the homework together.

Some teachers used to hint that we were cheating, as if there's some special merit in doing everything alone; we just figured we were learning collaboratively, and we all did very well.

[anneasquith]

Communicate with the school. Team effort . 

[bednobs]

there is a onc a week homework club