Dementia

[hannah40]

My mum is 90 with short term memory loss.
What I would like to know from people who are caring for there elderly parents is how do you cope emotionally?
I’m ok when I’m with my mum I deal with the situation ok it’s like she is the child and I’m supposed to have all the answers definitely role reversed.
It’s like now I’m in floods of tears writing this and when I leave her flat I’m in tears.
I’m really deep down not liking to see my mum like this .
Does any one else feel like this? And if so how do you cope?
My husband just says oh no not again to me .
The thing is my mum could go on for years like this and the weaker she gets the worse I will be.
It’s been a year.

[bednobs]

i think everyone with a relative who is slowly dying and having bits of themselves taken away feels like that. Doeant make it any easier for you though :( Is she having care support or is it just you?

[barry1010]

It is incredibly hard and many adult children simply can't cope emotionally or really do not have the time. We are lucky inasmuch as our relative lives with us - I could not cope with the constant worry when he was living on his own - and we have practical help.

If he couldn't live with us he would have to be in a care home and maybe this is the best option for you, your family and your mum. Very hard decision to make (I know the time may come when we have no choice but to opt for a care home and we are dreading it).

I am very sad to read that your husband is not being as supportive as he could be, you need all the practical and emotional support you can get.

Take comfort in the fact that you are doing your best for your mum and make sure you get help, whether that be from your family or professional help. Make sure your mum is claiming all the benefits she is entitled to and speak to the council about any practical help available,

[bednobs]

have you found dementia UK helpful barrry?

[ummmm]

It's heartbreaking. My nan had it. We had to put her in a home as she wasn't safe in her own home. My granddad couldn't look after her as he had mobility issues.

She was a massive part in our upbringing and it hurt so bad when she didn't recognise us. Something was there though like she knew we could be trusted.

Go and see her as much as possible for your own peace of mind. Tell your husband to be a bit more understanding.

[barry1010]

bednobs, I have found Dementia UK invaluabe for practical ways to adapt our home and ideas for memory joggers, ways to entertain him and keep him occupied. Also for advice about what is 'normal' and what to expect.
It's a great source of information.

[ummmm]

It's so sad because not everyone has the room and we have to go to work as well :-(

[eleanor2]

It's not been long for acceptance of your mum's illness. It's very hard I know, but this is how it's going to be x

[Khandro]

Try with all your might to make her happy, look at old family photos with her, you might be surprised how much she remembers from the distant past. Is there anything at all that seems to interest her? If so try to encourage it.

My mother had to go into a care home - there was really no alternative- for her last 3 years & she died there aged 94.

I visited her as much as I could, though it meant driving hundreds of miles. I think of her every day & wish I could have done more.

[Ringlet]

Please don't try to face this alone. You will damage your mental health. You need to reach out for help to deal with the intense emotional toll that it is taking on you.

There are some groups in existence that offer support to people caring for elderly or disabled relatives. Your social services representative should be able to give you details of groups in your area, or online contacts who might be able to help. Please look for help, and accept it when it is offered. Don't face this in isolation. It will overwhelm you and make you ill.

From what you say, your husband appears to be useless. "Oh no not again" is not the kind of response you want when you need emotional support to cope with what you are going through.
Is there anyone else you can call on for emotional support within your family? The first thing this person might do is have a word with your unsympathetic and emotionally destructive husband in the hope that he might be able to offer you some degree of support.

[ummmm]

I wouldn't write the husband off as useless. It's hard for the partner to watch someone they love being so upset.

My OH gets really upset when he sees me upset. Sometimes they say inappropriate things because they don't want to acknowledge the unhappiness.

[Buenchico]

This might be relevant:
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/looking-after-yourself

and/or
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/looking-after-yourself-as-a-carer/

(Check out other links from those sites too).

[DTCwordfan]

I hate to plug it on here but I have written an on-line book on this very subject...maybe someone else could give you the link as I don't want to infringe the guidelines about advertising.....

There is help - it's about understanding what you are facing and how to keep ahead of the gradual deterioration, however the dementia surfaces as that's one of the frustrating things - the symptoms in four folk suffering can be ever so different, never mind the time horizons.

[pastafreak]

I put DTs book on my Amazon list a few years ago when a friend was going through similar...

Amazon.co.uk User Recommendation

[carrot99]

https://www.kobo.com/gb/en/ebook/my-mother-has-alzheimer-s-am-i-going-mad-1

It's also available on Amazon but I couldn't do a link for that.

[DTCwordfan]

thanks - appreciated...