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My Mother Is Very Hurtful

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Abbeyjess | 19:05 Sun 09th Jul 2017 | Family & Relationships
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I dont know what to do...my mum has been on her for 4 years, and has become very bitter, angry, resentful and nasty. I was always bought up to be polite, treat people the way in which you would like to be treated and certainly be respectful. I have tried to do so much for my mum. I have tried to organise things for her birthday, she has thrown them straight back in my face. I have tried to organise some clubs for her and she has got really nasty to me. My mum says the most nastiest things about my lovely sister-in-law, because she works and believes she should be at home looking after the children the minute they come out of school, although my brother works from home and is happy to collect them. My mum is constantly rude about everyone and doesnt keep any of her friends. I have tried talking to her, but she gets abusive to me.. It has me in tears often... I love her because she is my mum, but dont like the person she has become. Its so hard and really dont know what to do anymore. I have my own health issues and its not helping. My brother hardly sees her, as she is so rude to my sister-in-law...I do have total support from my husband, but its so sad and hard..any comments would really help...thank you for your time x

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I'd investigate getting a medical assessment, yes, especially if she hasn't always been this way. But ultimately you do have to be prepared to walk away.You have a greater duty to your own health than to hers and you mustn't let her (or anyone else) drag you down with her.
23:35 Sun 09th Jul 2017
sometimes you just have to walk away..family or not
walk away....just walk away.
She could be suffering from dementia or other illness.

People with dementia can become very rude and aggressive.

Search for "anger with dementia" or similar phrases

Here is one site

http://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-aggression-anger.asp
She sounds very depressed.

I do feel for you, my own mother can be very much the same, she has me in tears sometimes, never appreciates anything anyone does for her, other days she is very kind.
Question Author
It's so hard as I promised my dad on his death bed, that I would look after her. I do on so many occasions just want to walk away, but I would be riddled with guilt, worse than I already feel for not being able to cope with my mum. I will look up dementia symptoms. .etc..thank youx
perhaps someone from age concern can offer advice or practical help ?
Don't walk away, if your Mam has a change in mood it could be something to get her to a gp with, has her mood changed after your Dad passed away or was this going all the time, my own Mam had Dementia, luckily she wasn't aggressive but I know some older people get a totally different character, become hurtful, aggressive and leaves the carer/family in tears, I don't think your mother is very well. Get her to GP for some daft blood test or something, just under false pretences and then discuss your feelings with the GP, if ye have the same one, you go to him first and discuss this as a probable problem with your Mam to your brother.
It is very hard but I too wouldn't walk away. Sometimes the guilt you would have doing so is far worse than the guilt you have facing her.

Help her.

GP or a dementia nurse for advice or both, the former will help on the diagnosis, the latter as to handling her.....Alzheimers Soc for advice on who as to nurses though your GP may help on that. There's a huge range of support from the diagnosis as to financial etc - one thing do you have an enduring power of attorney? Worth getting that, dementia or not.
She's probably fed up with everything bring done wrong and now at the end of her tether. People trying to organise her are likely to get short shrift. No one likes or wants to feel bitter, angry, and resentful but there comes a time when one just can't cope with the hassle any more. Be caring, understanding, and let unfortunate comments roll off you like water off of a duck's back.
My mum became very hurtful to my dad when the cancer got into her brain. We coped with it by knowing it wasn't my mum saying awful things, but the cancer did it.
I have a neighbour who seems to be suffering from dementia and people have stopped speaking to her because of the things she says. Having seen the same from my mum I know these aren't her rational thoughts.
Get as much help as you can from GP, district nurse, carers, social services, and look after yourself too.
I'd investigate getting a medical assessment, yes, especially if she hasn't always been this way. But ultimately you do have to be prepared to walk away.You have a greater duty to your own health than to hers and you mustn't let her (or anyone else) drag you down with her.
I just want to change my answer slightly. If she's always been like this then walk away. If not....

Your first line says "my mum has been on her for 4 years". That must be a typo. I don't know if you meant to say 'on here' or 'on heroin' or something else.

If this is a recent change, please get her to a doctor to see what's happened to her brain.
I think it should read 'On her own'


I agree with most , find the cause first then work from there.
Ah right, thanks, mamya.
In that case, I think she's very lonely and possibly depressed. Try to get her to see a doctor.
Question Author
Thank you for your feedback..yes it should have read mum has been on her own for 4 years...this has not been a recent thing ..I should have explained more.. mum was extremely strict when i was young, fell out with people back then too..and been very angry and bitter for many years & did make dad's life incredibly hard too..they argued terribly..dad only rang me when mum was out and did mention on many occasions that he couldn't do anything to please her. Mum doesn't know of our conversations. It seems since mum has been on her own it's got worse. Her rudeness is embarrassing, her negativity is out of control and thinks the whole world is against her...if I try and speak to her about it, she goes like a devil possessed. .HELP!!!!
I'm sure you never raise your voice, but drop your tone to quiet and simply say - 'Mum, we are worried about you , will you go to the GP and discuss your mood'.

Also , using the same method , if she is abusive or angry , simply say 'Mum that's very hurtful'.


You could try contacting the GP yourself too.
I think you need to walk away, abbeyjess. It sounds like she has always been difficult. I'm sure you love her as your mum, but you can't deal with all this, especially as your brother is not doing anything.
It's possible there's little you can do other than ensure she has help if and when she needs it. If she wants to talk she can initiate it with you, if you haven't judged, but allowed her to rant. Perhaps just ensure you are there if she needs you. Let her realise she has your support.
I had problems with my mother. She would always put me down regarding how I looked. E.g. You looked better with short hair. If I had legs like yours I would always wear trousers. You should always wear long sleeves with arms like yours. If I had my hair cut she would say you looked better with it long.
I think maybe she was jealous that I was still young and she was older. But it has affected me all my life. I have no confidence in how I look. I am always trying to get approval in how I look. But it still doesn't make me feel any better.

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