Relationship expectations

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LaLa1705 | 11:50 Thu 07th May 2009 | Body & Soul
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Can it ever work if 2 partners have very different expectations of the relationship? We are in our mid/late 30s and have lived together for 3 months.I've learned he is not the communicative type..he doesn't say anything meaningful to me, pay compliments,want to discuss our relationship or what I mean to him. He never makes me feel special.He does tell me he loves me all the time but can't say why he does.He says we are together and that's all that matters to him.

I have expectations that you should be very close and intimate in a relationship,feel special and want to make the other person happy, even if it's something that doesn't matter to you. I go out of my way to do all the things that make him happy but he can't do the one thing I need,to feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship. He says getting on day to day is the most important thing to him and he doesn't see the point in having to tell me intimate or emotional things.

I feel very down about it and have told him I'm thinking of leaving..he says I've just got to 'chill out', stop nagging him about it and accept him as he is and it will be fine. He says he is happy and can't see the problem.

He was with his ex for 8 years and they never talked intimately apparantly..they are still friendly,which I'm fine with as they have a child..but I yearn to feel special to him,and feel like he is just treating me the same as he did her when I'm a different person with different needs. She wouldn't even hold hands in public.I'm a loving,open person and need the same back.He did make an effort at first but now we live together he doesn't.

He also spends 5 to 6 hours most nights on his pc or tv on football things and can't understand why I feel taken for granted?If he made me feel special to him I'm the most easy going woman ever,wouldn't care how much time he spent on football.

Am I being over demanding,highly strung etc as he says I am? <


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Once again I am in awe of you vibra.
Wonderful answers from you.

(I think I love you btw)
I beg to differ........if your troubled past was firmly behind you, you would not be mentioning it now.

Perhaps you are right. If you are seeking a relationship that is all breathless bells & whistles, falling in and out of bed and roller-coaster rides of intensity......just to remind you that you are alive, this is not the man for you.

I stand by my comments regarding any sort of talking therapy.....
Question Author
Wow legend at what point was I personally abusive to you to get that kind of comment?Thought this was a board people came on here to help people and share advice as adults..adults don't have to agree with everybodys' opinions..but they do it calmly, rationally and politely.Sorry you can't do that.
Question Author
Jack..YOU mentioned it , not using a helpful answer I had given on a totally seperate thread. I was hoping for objective answers, like Vibraspheres, not personal judgements.But thanks for taking the time to post.
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i'm not trying psychoanalyse you lala. But making a relationship work doesnt mean conforming to any set of rules or formulae. I also said that i dont doubt your man has issues. Not placing it all on you. Its a partnership that he and you should respect. It sounds like you both love eachother and so isnt worth throwing away just yet. But as soon as you chuck love or emotion into the mix then rules and formulae jump out. As for not answering your question. Your "expectations" will be partly formed by events in your past. If indeed you are happy now with things past he may not be. I would still consider relate.
What you need to do is talk! Find out what he wants and what you want from a relationship to see if you are compatible.

Then at least you have communicated how you are feeling and given it a go before walking away.

I am in the same boat at the moment and I have realised you can love someone but not want to be with them.

Good luck!
It is difficult to make a post without making personal judgements.
If you don't want considered answers from people who have read all the pertinent facts available, not just the portion revealed here, then don't ask for advice on a public forum.

Personally, I think you sound unbelievably needy and your constant demands that I display 'emotional maturity' , talk about why and what love 'is'and reinforce your perception of love would drive me a lot further than the TV or PC !
What you have to do is straightforward in theory its just putting it into words and having that talk and the uncertainty of whether you can remain together or not thats hard.
My man is a lovely,decent person, it just seems we aren't suited in an area which is very important to me.

No personal insult intended just disbelief on my part.
Im now leaving the thread as its got to the stage this is either a windup or even scarier it might be real!!!

Eitherway enjoy yourselves folks , its been fun, i think : 0)
daniela I'll fight you for him :-)
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Question Author
No Scarra I am truly thankful for your input, I have found a couple of other posters to be sadly very judgemental and one personally insulting for some reason,but not yourself.I have asked him to consider Relate but he replied with a flat 'no way' ..which kind of says it all really..he just doesn't see the point in communicating on any level except day to day routine things, which is the problem as I see it.

To clarify posters questions, we dated for 3 months and have lived together 3, which is where the 6 months came in..not long but we are not kids.

He was quite romantic and open and made me feel important before we lived together..since then..wall to wall football, no meaningful communication or even willingness to try to compromise ( I have compromised, as I think all partners should do in a relationship anyway.)There is only this one problem but it's a biggie.I feel taken for granted but he thinks all is fine and says he won't try to make any effort to make me feel appreciated, I have to accept him how he is. The problem is the change in him since living he made an effort to 'get me' and that's it.

It has helped to put things down in writing, nobody is perfect I know, am far from it, but I do make an effort for my relationship and just wanted the same..don't think it's going to happen.Thanks for all the advice, please keep helping people, most of you are very wise and caring.Thankyou.
I will practice tonight
LaLa....this is why couples split up. They realise that they are not compatible. If you nag him into changing you'll also have resentment to deal with.
glad you considered relate and are willing to make that effort. Its a shame he isnt. The old adage you can lead a horse to water comes to mind. You may have to give him a harsh wake up call to see that relate may be of use. Us men tend to be more stoical and resistant to dealing with emotions maturely i find. If you do decide to move on though remember that cycles tend to repeat themselves.
Relate after 6 months???

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