Relationship expectations

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LaLa1705 | 11:50 Thu 07th May 2009 | Body & Soul
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Can it ever work if 2 partners have very different expectations of the relationship? We are in our mid/late 30s and have lived together for 3 months.I've learned he is not the communicative type..he doesn't say anything meaningful to me, pay compliments,want to discuss our relationship or what I mean to him. He never makes me feel special.He does tell me he loves me all the time but can't say why he does.He says we are together and that's all that matters to him.

I have expectations that you should be very close and intimate in a relationship,feel special and want to make the other person happy, even if it's something that doesn't matter to you. I go out of my way to do all the things that make him happy but he can't do the one thing I need,to feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship. He says getting on day to day is the most important thing to him and he doesn't see the point in having to tell me intimate or emotional things.

I feel very down about it and have told him I'm thinking of leaving..he says I've just got to 'chill out', stop nagging him about it and accept him as he is and it will be fine. He says he is happy and can't see the problem.

He was with his ex for 8 years and they never talked intimately apparantly..they are still friendly,which I'm fine with as they have a child..but I yearn to feel special to him,and feel like he is just treating me the same as he did her when I'm a different person with different needs. She wouldn't even hold hands in public.I'm a loving,open person and need the same back.He did make an effort at first but now we live together he doesn't.

He also spends 5 to 6 hours most nights on his pc or tv on football things and can't understand why I feel taken for granted?If he made me feel special to him I'm the most easy going woman ever,wouldn't care how much time he spent on football.

Am I being over demanding,highly strung etc as he says I am? <


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Not at all...

LaLa want you need from this relationship is normal, every woman needs to feel special and loved...

I don't think he doesn't feel the need to speak intimatley with you, I think he doesn't know how or finds it very difficult to do so. However if he cannot make an effort to put a bit more communication in your relationship (which is something you clearly need) then I don't see it working...

I am the same as you I need the intimacy and the communication is a must, my partners wasn't like that at all, it took me 3 years to slowly show him how and for him to feel comfortable, but for that to even work he needs to want to do it...

a relationship needs 3 basic essetial elements

No you are not over demanding or highly strung. You have the right to your expectations of a relationship and they are not unreasonable demands.

If he can't give you the emotional closeness you need then I would say it won't work.

I kind of know how you feel, I love my ex (currently been staying over there) but I can't get back with him and one of those reasons (there are many) is because I don't get enough love and affection, emotional communication with him.

It is not wrong of you to want these things and you deserve them!
If I can add respect to that SuDFB.
He tells you he loves you all the time, but that doesn't make you feel loved?

Many people don't feel the need to endlessly discuss their feelings but if you do, then nagging him won't help and you're better off out of the relationship.

You shouldn't rely on another person to make you feel special or fulfilled - you should get that from yourself, then you'd be able to enjoy your time together without constantly seeking reassurance.

I couldn't put in to words why I love the people I do and would hate to be put in the position where I had to. But we are all different, with different needs, and it seems he isn't the man for you.
You are not being overdemding at all. My bloke goes on his x box and goes out to watch footie at mates etc but he shows me not always in words but by doing little things around the house that he appreciates what I do. Does you bloke do any of the chores? How long were you with him before you moved in together?
Your reply on another thread gives insight into why you feel as you do...........
However, your seeking constant reassurance will only start to grate with him.
Some of the most perfect times are to be had in companionable silence........
The fact that he maintains an friendly relationship with his ex, I would have thought, indicates that he is an easy-going guy.
You have to believe that he loves you.............and that he means what he says.

I believe that your troubled past still has influence over your present. Perhaps you could find someone with whom to talk through your anxieties ? You'll feel better if you do.

Thanks for that, can't beleive I left that one out lol ooops
As this is a relatively new relationship ( 3 months living together) and he has come from a long term relationship i really do think you need time to settle into a routine.

You do come across a bit unhappy and personally if i was as unhappy as you appear to be then id end it and look for someone that fitted the bill more.

But thats just me.

Good luck
Question Author
Thanks for the replies..yes it's true Jack I have had a very troubled past,from a past abusive relationship way back to a very dysfunctional childhood.What you don't know is that I spent the last 5 years on my own dealing with things that had happened to me, and figuring out what I wanted and could give when I was ready for a healthy relationship.Please don't presume that people who have been through abuse are insecure, anxious victims!Often we are strong people who know what we want out of life because of their past abuse..this is why I'm not prepared to 'make do', as so many do.

Companionable silence may be perfectly fine after say, 30 years..not 6 months.I have friends I can do that with any day of the week..I expect a relationship to be rather more meaningful. I value your opinion, and your answer has helped me see things a lot more clearly..and I know I deserve the loving relationship I want. I want to feel loved in spite of my troubled past, not because of.It's normal to want to feel special to your lover when you are a strong,caring person.
If you really do want to give decent advice just answer the question you are replying to..never presume.

there are no magic formulas. Of course love trust communication and respect are important. But so are compromise and reciprocity. Things can be far more complex than a few cliched words. It is a shame you cant seem to relate on the same wavelength. And i dont doubt he is part of the problem. But your need for constant need for reassurance sounds like low self esteem to me. And to address that you need to look to your past as well as his.
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moving on though is easier said than done though isnt it? And if you have deep seated issues of your own then they need to be addressed professionally or the cycle will repeat itself. If you want to remain with this man does he know of your troubled past? If he does and loves you he should be willing to consider something like relate councelling. As should you. I wish you good luck x
past abuse or no past abuse this man does not seem to be doing anything.
Trigg in that case i reckon shes wasting her time.i read 3 months but now 6 months.

If its been 6 months then it wont change.

You can debate all day but he wont and i doubt she wont change.

Merely an opinion , but like i said good luck , as i think you will need plenty for what sounds a very unfulfilling relationship for lala if not her partner.
You can't make people change. I presume he was like this when you met him? Maybe you should find someone who is as you wish and not try and force someone who isn't to be so.
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Like id wait 6 months tho.

Im stills truggling to see what was the draw in the relationship?
After 6 months he says he loves her but doesnt know why?
Im assuming as adults he didnt just say he loved her from day 1?
As romantic as that is , im more realist than fantasist where thats concerned.

Best of luck trying to alter him but as ummm says better finding someone you are happy with than someone you have to change
learn to be happy? Lol is there a course available then?
If you really do want to give decent advice just answer the question you are replying to..never presume.


Question Author
Thanks again..I don't have deep seated issues of my own no. And yes he knows the basics of my past abuses...but as they are in the past and I dealt with them long ago that is not the issue!

I am a happy, confident person in all areas except this one..being unhappy with an aspect of a relationship doesn't mean you have issues/are an unhappy person does it?In fact people who are aware of what their needs are have a self-awareness that helps them treat others with more respect and maturity, I find..

My man is a lovely,decent person, it just seems we aren't suited in an area which is very important to me but not to him..maybe he lacks emotional maturity and I put too much importance on emotional intimacy..I am being objective and have greatly reduced my expectations of the relationship, as my original post says..but it seems he can't compromise on his inability to communicate in a meaningful way. My question was about relationship expectations..not 'do you think I have deep seated problems from past abuses' etc..

I think I know how he feels now!..I asked a question about one area of a relationship and met with presumptions about myself and analysis of my past..people can go into things far too deeply from one question.

Thanks to Vibrasphere, your answer was very helpful, succint and, most importantly,relevant to my question.

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