They Just Can't Help It Can They
News1 min ago
jokes
35 Answers
anyone know any funny jokes? i'm bored...
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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says, "I'm green with NV".
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says,
"Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get
arrested standing like that out there in the street.
Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!
Paddy replies, "Well, I'm fokin discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says, "I'm green with NV".
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says,
"Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get
arrested standing like that out there in the street.
Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!
Paddy replies, "Well, I'm fokin discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"
A married couple walked in to a sandal shop. The Jamaican
said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really
didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband
asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So,
the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally
gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them
onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaicans hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the
wrong feet you stupid Mon!
said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really
didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband
asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So,
the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally
gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them
onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaicans hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the
wrong feet you stupid Mon!
Princess Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'
Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'
Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and she was watching a documentary about a guy on live support. I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
-
So She got up, unplugged the computer, and tipped out my Beer!
-
So She got up, unplugged the computer, and tipped out my Beer!
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