Platonic?

[OnlyMe]

Bear with me - this is a bit long, but genuine. I'm male, and I have a female friend who I see a lot of. We are both separated. She's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship with anyone, but we see each other once/twice a week, certainly every weekend. We go out together, cook for each other, and have even talked about going away on holiday together. We kiss each other goodnight, and she has taken to kissing me on the lips rather than the cheek. I guess anyone seeing our relationship would probably assume we were an item, but we're not. But I have to admit that this does seem somewhat more than a normal platonic relationship between a man and a woman. I'd like to know what others think, as I am getting a little confused.

[paulz]

I've got a few friendships on a similar basis. Yes it's hard work, but very rewarding. I'll admit that on occassions the "I wish" factor can kick in, but then something else also counters it with what will we lose if it progresses? Personally I think there's nothing better in having a member of the opposite sex as a pal/mate/damn good friend someone you can trust & pour out your heart & soul to cry with. laugh with, love, hate and just enjoy their company. OnlyMe you're very lucky give her a hug from me.

[coggles]

I used to work in an 'all-male' environment and had a few really good male friends. We would often go out in a group after work, snooker, meals, pub etc., and sometimes just me and one of the blokes. I had a boyfriend at the time who was fine with it and we all new I wasn't interested in a relationship with any of them...or so I thought. When I split with my ex and met my (now) husband, one of the blokes I got on most with starting acting really strange and was often quite nasty to me. It all ended in a huge row and we never spoke again. One of the other lads told me that my so-called mate had been hoping to get together with me for years and I had just never realised. I went to work elsewhere and didn't have any contact with him, then bumped into him again a few years later and, thankfully, we just chatted as if it never happened. I'd say, just try and make sure you both know what the other 'wants' from the relationship. Good luck!!

[woofgang]

Cogles has made the point about being surte about what you both want. The way to find out is to talk about it to her. May I suggest not in "romantic"circumstances so there is no pressure on either of you, whichever way the conversation goues

[woofgang]

Cogles has made the point about being surte about what you both want. The way to find out is to talk about it to her. May I suggest not in "romantic"circumstances so there is no pressure on either of you, whichever way the conversation goues

[woofgang]

Cogles has made the point about being surte about what you both want. The way to find out is to talk about it to her. May I suggest not in "romantic"circumstances so there is no pressure on either of you, whichever way the conversation goues

[woofgang]

Cogles has made the point about being surte about what you both want. The way to find out is to talk about it to her. May I suggest not in "romantic"circumstances so there is no pressure on either of you, whichever way the conversation goues

[woofgang]

Cogles has made the point about being surte about what you both want. The way to find out is to talk about it to her. May I suggest not in "romantic"circumstances so there is no pressure on either of you, whichever way the conversation goues

[woofgang]

sorry, not sure what happened there

[paulz]

OnlyMe - one bit I missed, to keep it as just pals, the "girl-friends" [I mean that as girl & friend] I think /treat my pals of opposite sex as either my sister[that I haven't got]/daughter/mother/fave aunt. That way any unwelcome urges you may have stay out of the way. I met my wife in exactly this way, but even now will still be happy to be a neighbour and good pal - I'm just lucky it turned out different! Sorry to blah on, at the end of the day be honest with her & I'm sure she'll be with you. Good luck & well done!

[sylvday]

It seems to me that neither you, nor the previous answerers, have taken into account an important factor - how YOU feel about the situation. If, in fact, you like your friend sufficiently to wish to take your relationship to a higher level (as the Americans say), then I think you risk some heartache in the future by not speaking out or acting now. For example, how will you feel if your friend finds some other man with whom she does start to have a serious relationship; or suppose you find someone else, and then have to reconcile the two relationships. Incidentally, it has been said that there can be no truly platonic relationship between a man and a woman, and that one way or another sex always raises its ugly/beautiful head.

[robber1]

Your female friend has put her cards on the table and has told you exactly how she sees the "friendship".Reading what you have to say makes me think that you hope she will change her mind, and you are looking at her familiarity as a sign of her change in attitude.If you like this lady and wish for a closer relationship you have only one option.Tell her how you feel.Depending on her reaction, you may change your future life, carry on as you are with some regret, or the friendship will end.My advise: ask her and hope for the best.Timing is important.
In my experience, people who say they do not want to get into a relationship are people who have been badly hurt by someone that they put trust in and gave affection to, and it is a defense statement.They fear rejection and the barrier protects them.I have been there and done it myself.
Sorry this is long, but I hope it helps.

[coggles]

Coggles here again. I think you have had some really good answers. Robber 1, I agree with you about people who say they are not looking for a relationship, when it's that they have been hurt in the past and would like to meet 'the one'. It's what I told everyone for a year after a long relationship broke up... then I met my husband and married just over a year later. I got ribbed about that! Also, Sylvday said about how YOU feel and that's a very good point. I think if you feel that she could be 'the one' (sorry to use that expression again), then tell her how you feel and if it all goes t*ts up, er badly wrong, then you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it......

[anthomson]

Friendship and love basically amount to the same thing - it is a basic desire to further the spiritual growth of the friend or partner. The difference I think we try to impose is the 'infatuation' that we normally assoiciate with the term 'love' (of which sex is usually a big part). This is a short term effect. In the longer term a friend or lover are basically the same thing - they are people who have our best interests at heart and vice versa. If this make any sense at all then you could try obtaining a copy of M.Scott Peck's 'The Road Less Travelled' . This helped me understand these concepts.

[robber1]

OnlyMe asked a very good question, and I would be interested to hear what his reaction is to the answers given.I am sure it would help other people as well.

[OnlyMe]

Well, first a genuine thank you all for your answers. I must admit, I'm still confused by her behaviour. As for me, I confess I do fancy her - she is very attractive (with an amazing figure!) and we have a great amount in common in terms of beliefs and interests, but I also know that we are not right for each other in terms of a long-term relationship - I don't think the chemistry is there, even if lust is! Therefore I am happy with what we have, as it works for both of us. But I am slightly surprised that she is happy to see so much of me (and takes the lead in asking at least half the time), kisses me on the lips, and has suggested holidays together, as this does go beyond what most people would see as a platonic m/f relationship. I guess what I will do is simply enjoy it!

[Fluffyudders]

It's obvious you've noticed that she is attractive, and there is a chance she feels the same way. If that's true, then you want to be careful of the time you spend together. One drunken night could ruin everything...

[coggles]

Onlyme, you say you have lots in common but can't see a long term relationship happening and I don't know your reasons why, but despite your friend saying she doesn't want a boyfriend/relationship, the fact that she instigates most of your 'dates', kisses you on the lips etc., she may well be hoping a more intimate relationship will evolve. In which case, you have said that you can't see that happening and she could end up feeling very hurt and let down again (even though you haven't done anything wrong). Wouldn't it be best to bring the whole feelings thing up in conversation, in a non-romantic situation (as suggested by woofgang) and see exactly where you both stand?

[robber1]

Thanks for coming back to this subject OnlyMe. What you say is not only confusing for you but to anyone reading about it.What she tells you is opposite to the signals that she appears to be giving.In my experience most women are particular to who they give signals to and therefore even if you say that there is no chemistry from your viewpoint, she seems to be telling you different. I still suspect that she has been hurt by a past experience and she is telling you one thing to protect herself against rejection, whilst giving you signals in the hope that you understand them.What you describe goes beyond a fully platonic relationship.A peck on the cheek, a matey chat,a drink with other friends present, thats platonic. If you are as close as you say (in friendship terms) then this subject should be talked about over a drink or a coffee, without being heavy about it. If handled correctly there is no reason why you should not remain close friends after the chat and it would "once and for all" let you both know in which direction the relationship is heading. Pwheew.Another long one, I only type with one finger.

[Greedyfly]

The best thing to do is ask her how she feel's. Never assume anything!. Always be upfront & honest1