Spectator N0 2651 By Fieldfare
Crosswords1 min ago
retorts required
12 Answers
Ladies,
a guy friend of mine has just sent me (in jest) an email quoting the good wives guide from the 1950's.
Can anyone think of any good retorts for a good mans guide?
a guy friend of mine has just sent me (in jest) an email quoting the good wives guide from the 1950's.
Can anyone think of any good retorts for a good mans guide?
Answers
1 to 12 of 12
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A good man will be respectful to his wife at all times. When accompanying her in the street he will walk closest to the traffic so as not to cause her distress. He will be clean shaven, and not partake of any tobacco in her presence.He will above all attend church and be a good father to his children.
because I work for a large compan, I get loads of humerous emails, and tend to keep the ones I think are classy, this one I sent out about two months ago, so you may just have my real name on the recipents list, not saying though, however, I believe also, I have what your looking for, i'll have a check, and if there is, i'll come back.
here you are Chuff, in bits nd pieces, its as close as I can find, just to help you redress the ballance a bit. This'll probably take three or four posts. get your pen and paper handy.
>>>
>>>MEN - PAY ATTENTION
>>> >WOMEN - YOU'LL UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY...
>>> >
>>> >1. NAMES
>>> >
>>> >If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
>>> >call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
>>> >
>>> >If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
>>> >to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
>>> >
>>> >2. EATING OUT
>>> >
>>> >When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
>>> >£20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have
>>> >anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
>>> >
>>> >When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>>> >
>>> >3. MONEY
>>> >
>>> >A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
>>> >
>>> >A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's
>>> >in the sale.
>>>
>>>MEN - PAY ATTENTION
>>> >WOMEN - YOU'LL UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY...
>>> >
>>> >1. NAMES
>>> >
>>> >If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
>>> >call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
>>> >
>>> >If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
>>> >to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
>>> >
>>> >2. EATING OUT
>>> >
>>> >When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
>>> >£20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have
>>> >anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
>>> >
>>> >When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>>> >
>>> >3. MONEY
>>> >
>>> >A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
>>> >
>>> >A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's
>>> >in the sale.
>>> >
>>> >4. BATHROOMS
>>> >
>>> >A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
>>> >razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
>>> >
>>> >The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
>>> >A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
>>> >
>>> >5. ARGUMENTS
>>> >
>>> >A woman has the last word in any argument.
>>> >
>>> >Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>>> >
>>> >6. CATS
>>> >
>>> >Women love cats.
>>> >
>>> >Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
>>> >cats.
>>> >
>>> >7. FUTURE
>>> >
>>> >A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>>> >
>>> >A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>>> >4. BATHROOMS
>>> >
>>> >A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
>>> >razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
>>> >
>>> >The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
>>> >A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
>>> >
>>> >5. ARGUMENTS
>>> >
>>> >A woman has the last word in any argument.
>>> >
>>> >Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>>> >
>>> >6. CATS
>>> >
>>> >Women love cats.
>>> >
>>> >Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
>>> >cats.
>>> >
>>> >7. FUTURE
>>> >
>>> >A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>>> >
>>> >A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>>> >8. SUCCESS
>>> >
>>> >A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
>>> >spend.
>>> >
>>> >A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>>> >
>>> >9. MARRIAGE
>>> >
>>> >A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>>> >
>>> >A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
>>> >
>>> >10. DRESSING UP
>>> >
>>> >A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
>>> >garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
>>> >
>>> >A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>>> >
>>> >11. NATURAL
>>> >
>>> >Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
>>> >
>>> >Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>>> >
>>> >A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
>>> >spend.
>>> >
>>> >A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>>> >
>>> >9. MARRIAGE
>>> >
>>> >A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>>> >
>>> >A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
>>> >
>>> >10. DRESSING UP
>>> >
>>> >A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
>>> >garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
>>> >
>>> >A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>>> >
>>> >11. NATURAL
>>> >
>>> >Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
>>> >
>>> >Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
or, when your wife gets in from work and you know its that time of the month and she's feeling a bit fragile, remember she has had a hard day.Although the big match is on, you will have a three course meal waiting for her, and tell her that you have taped the jeremy kyle show from that morning to watch together, snuggled on the sofa while you give her a foot massage.Afterwards..well , wont go into that!
>>> >9. MARRIAGE
>>> >
>>> >A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>>> >
>>> >A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
>>> >
>>> >10. DRESSING UP
>>> >
>>> >A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
>>> >garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
>>> >
>>> >A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>>> >
>>> >11. NATURAL
>>> >
>>> >Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
>>> >
>>> >Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>>> >
>>> >12. OFFSPRING
>>> >
>>> >Ah, children.
>>> >
>>> >A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
>>> >appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
>>> >fears and hopes and dreams.
>>> >
>>> >A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>>> >
>>> >13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
>>> >
>>> >Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
>>> >people remembering the same thing.
>>> >
>>> >AND FINALLY...
>>> >
>>> >A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
>>> >word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
>>> >them wanted to concede their position.
>>> >
>>> >As they
>>> >
>>> >A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>>> >
>>> >A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
>>> >
>>> >10. DRESSING UP
>>> >
>>> >A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
>>> >garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
>>> >
>>> >A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>>> >
>>> >11. NATURAL
>>> >
>>> >Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
>>> >
>>> >Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>>> >
>>> >12. OFFSPRING
>>> >
>>> >Ah, children.
>>> >
>>> >A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
>>> >appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
>>> >fears and hopes and dreams.
>>> >
>>> >A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>>> >
>>> >13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
>>> >
>>> >Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
>>> >people remembering the same thing.
>>> >
>>> >AND FINALLY...
>>> >
>>> >A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
>>> >word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
>>> >them wanted to concede their position.
>>> >
>>> >As they
>>> >AND FINALLY...
>>> >
>>> >A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
>>> >word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
>>> >them wanted to concede their position.
>>> >
>>> >As they passed a farm yard of donkeys, cows and pigs, the husband
>>> >asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
>>> >
>>> >"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Hope you like it.
>>> >
>>> >A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
>>> >word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
>>> >them wanted to concede their position.
>>> >
>>> >As they passed a farm yard of donkeys, cows and pigs, the husband
>>> >asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
>>> >
>>> >"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Hope you like it.
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