Yorkshire Air Ambulance .Associated With...
Quizzes & Puzzles3 mins ago
Jokes
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What is your favourite joke? Mine is 'what did the man say to his wife when she had two black eyes? Nothing, he'd already told her twice.
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An out of work pianist with Turrets Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances".
"******* get in there you ****!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the ******* manager of this ******* middle class ******** please you ****", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir" he says.
"Yes you can you fat piece of ****, I saw your poxy advert in the ******* window and I'm here to audition.....******."
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a
top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"
"That song was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the ***** blind...'"
"Oh" says the manager "err, can you play me another. Something a little less lively.
"******.." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the ******* you get crap on your bell end.'"
"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances".
"******* get in there you ****!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the ******* manager of this ******* middle class ******** please you ****", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir" he says.
"Yes you can you fat piece of ****, I saw your poxy advert in the ******* window and I'm here to audition.....******."
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a
top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"
"That song was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the ***** blind...'"
"Oh" says the manager "err, can you play me another. Something a little less lively.
"******.." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird up the ******* you get crap on your bell end.'"
"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs'".
"Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your
songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
"F*ck it" says the pianist "Why not".
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your **** is hanging out of your trousers, and ***** is dribbling onto your shoes?"
"Know it?" says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
"I ******* wrote it!!!"
"Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your
songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
"F*ck it" says the pianist "Why not".
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your **** is hanging out of your trousers, and ***** is dribbling onto your shoes?"
"Know it?" says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
"I ******* wrote it!!!"
Stop me if you've heard it before but:
A man takes his rottweiler to the vets because it has a bit of a cough.
He walks into the surgery and says "I was hoping you could have a look at my dog, he's got a bit of a cough"
The vet picks the dog up and starts giving it the once over. He checks it's ears, nose, throat. Checks it's breathing, takes it temperature etc, etc.
About 5 minutes later he turns to the man and says "It's no good I'm going to have to put him down".
Shocked the man stammers, "B-b-but why? He's only got a cough! I want a second opinion!"
"I know," says the vet, "but he's really, really heavy!"
.
A man takes his rottweiler to the vets because it has a bit of a cough.
He walks into the surgery and says "I was hoping you could have a look at my dog, he's got a bit of a cough"
The vet picks the dog up and starts giving it the once over. He checks it's ears, nose, throat. Checks it's breathing, takes it temperature etc, etc.
About 5 minutes later he turns to the man and says "It's no good I'm going to have to put him down".
Shocked the man stammers, "B-b-but why? He's only got a cough! I want a second opinion!"
"I know," says the vet, "but he's really, really heavy!"
.
WOW! Fatoomfsh, that is sooooo funny! Can I steal your funny, funny joke and tell it to all the women and kids at the refuge next time I'm doing my bit at Womans Aid? oh go on! Just think how there little faces will light up will joy and amusement. It'll take their minds off the silly little annoyances, like getting beaten to pulp in front of their screaming children! Having to go to hospital after another savage kicking!! Gee there really is NOTHING funnier than domestic abuse it there?? TUBE!
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