Is "friends" Enough?

[Scarlett]

Another of my 'please help me understand life' questions. Someone I know has been in a relationship for seven years, although he always denied it was anything other than sex. He confided in me that he didn't think she was that pretty, and the relationship seemed to be mostly her pushing him to meet up/commit/be her boyfriend. Now however, he has agreed to be her boyfriend. He says he loves her, but is not 'in love' with her. He says they are really good friends. My concern is that he has been brow-beaten by her, and has finally given in. My gut feeling is that she will end up disappointed when he finally meets the love of his life.
My question is this: Is friends enough? They are still both very young (she was 16 when they got together, he 23). To be in a long term permanent relationship, do you need to be "in love" or is just loving the person as a friend enough?

[Old_Geezer]

I reckon it can be, but whether one should settle for it...

7 years and he's not looked for another ? Seems he's more attracted than he admits to himself. On the other hand, it's also down to definitions. When he says he loves but isn't in love, does he realise the level of lust dampens down a bit after the initial period, and one builds up a proper relationship ?

[Scarlett]

He has not been faithful in this time, I should add. Since he was not committed, he was also seeing other people. She didn't not know about these of course.

[jno]

really hard to say these days when even committed relationships so often go up in smoke (the latest figures suggest even 42% of first marriages end in divorce). So whether they're loving or in love may make no difference. They might as well try it out; if it fails, it fails, and they'll have learnt something.

[woofgang]

My answer is that what suits someone else might not suit you. In all honesty unless you want to be in a relationship with this person yourself then its not up to you to judge or understand.

[Sqad]

I agree with jno above ^^^^^

She has go what she wants......a boyfriend.
He has got what he wants a friend with "benefits", so what is there not to like.
When the situation blows up......he will go to his "new found love" and she will collapse in tears, go an antidepressants and have a couple of years of misery before finding someone else.
That's the way it works, that is life and that is how it will be.
Carpe diem.

[ummmm]

ahtNot in my opinion.

I'm best mates with my OH but it's about more than that.

[Scarlett]

Woofgang; my question is - is it enough to be friends rather than "in love". This is a general question, inspired by my friend's situation. Do others have happy married or committed relationships in this situation. As you can see I am not judging them, merely curious. This might end up affecting my choices in future. Do I wait to be in love?

[woofgang]

but that's you ummmm......actually its me too. My relationship began with love at first sight and there will never be another partner for me.....but its not the same for everybody.

[woofgang]

no idea Scarlett.....what do you want and if you can't get it will you accept anything else?

[dannyk13]

It depends on whether both parties want the same type of relationship.

[ummmm]

True Woof.

[woofgang]

" My concern is that he has been brow-beaten by her, and has finally given in. My gut feeling is that she will end up disappointed when he finally meets the love of his life."

I'd call that the eeensiest bit judgemental

[Sqad]

" Do others have happy married or committed relationships in this situation. "

Depends what you mean by "happy".....but yes......I think that it may be the rule rather than the exception.

[Sqad]

Poor old "Relationships and Dating" which at one time was a vibrant subsection but which is now defunct.

[rowanwitch]

Too big a mismatch here She wants one thing he wants another both would be prey to a real relationship opportunity. He should back away as kindly as he can and let her get over the pain now rather than further down the line

[Scarlett]

Woofgang: it's not my intention to judge, just to try and understand the situation and explain it on here. It baffles me and I wondered how other people felt.

[Sqad]

rowan....why should he back away?
He has sex on tap.

[Ken4155]

If you can;t be with the one you love, love the one you're with. Don't particularly like the song but totally agree with it's message. Your friend should tell her exactly how he feels about their relationship and let her decide if it is worth maintaining.

[Prudie]

"do you need to be "in love" or is just loving the person as a friend enough?" You've missed out the biggest and most important section and that's loving someone full stop. Most people don't stay 'in love', that giddy rather irrational emotion, for more than an x years but that develops to love which can endure for years. Loving just as a friend is unusual although may suit some people.

[Scarlett]

Also, I am always reticent to post on here about such things for fear of someone shouting me down and telling me I shouldn't be asking the question in the first place and that makes me a bad person. I thought the idea was that ignore you had a question, this wasn't the place to post it.